Revolt
by The OgeeBoogie Man
Summary: Jenkins E. Weaselov, the son of the professor, has mustered up a second reich this time much more serious than the last. I'm also going into depth to explain certain aspects of the game. (up to part 21: Safe Landings!)
1. Part 1: Static Problems and Conspiracy ...

Revolt  
  
Minor note: First fic ever on the site. Comment, please  
  
Another note: This story greatly expands the scale of the game, meaning that Windy, instead of being the size of a city block would be as large as a small nation. It depicts areas such as Poo Mountain as cities or small nations of their own.  
  
1 Chapter 1: Static problems and conspiracy  
  
Looking up from his glass of milk, Conker thought drearily of the lesson he'd learned in the past few months. That's what you get for milling about this hostile land for too long. You don't know what you have until it's gone. It was sad, really. He had a good sporting chance to keep Berri, his former girlfriend, from being split open by Tommy gun bullets.  
  
"I think you've had enough, sire," said one of his servants, a heavy-set weasel with a scratchy English accent.  
  
"You think this is a lot? You've never seen me get tanked at the Cock and Plucker."  
  
"Let me guess, this is something you haven't done since the loss of Berri," said another servant, this one more rakish stooping.  
  
"Yeah, what a habit, I never get drunk off milk though."  
  
The weasels, having little knowledge of alcoholic drink, simply exchanged glances.  
  
Conker's castle, once grand and elegant, was refurbished to fit a more modern lifestyle. The walls, once covered with mantels and statues, were given a more simple, light-hearted gold wallpaper, and lamps replaced torches and candles. In place of the once-grand throne was a simple padded chair and desk for paperwork, being the king required much. The gaurds, who used to tote spears and axes, now held knives and pistols by their sides. All of the medieval gloominess of the castle was replaced with a subtle, more realistic touch.  
  
"So, I'd better get cracking on our problems. How are things doing in the slums of Chester?" Conker asked, writing out a brief proposition to the King bee, which had regained fame and publicity when his wife had been crushed by a chunk of burning rubble.  
  
"Crime down 13%, poverty line has lowered, sire," replied a weasel.  
  
"Good. Any more news on the Waspo-Beetle war?"  
  
"It's coming to an end, sire, Wanka Marx has lost most of the valley to the Beetles. If we lend any more support, it will look unconstitutional."  
  
"Good. Sigh, there's so little to do with Berri gone."  
  
"'I don't see what mourning will do, I mean 'tis a ripe world full of other squirrels, Conker," said the fat weasel.  
  
"I know, but… it just won't be the same. Besides, she was a chipmunk…" said Conker, acknowledging chipmunks the same way a person might cherish the majestic beauty of an Asian model.  
  
…  
  
The next day, Conker awoke to the loud chime of the bell tower, which was retained for decoration purposes, as well as being louder than an alarm clock. Conker stretched and donned his royal attire, a denim shirt and sneakers. The chime of the bell tower was soon accompanied by a knock at the door, a sharp one obviously coming from a hard hand. Or fork.  
  
"There's a visitor, who demands to see Conker," said a guard.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"It looks like a broom with twin serrated blades instead of a wipe.  
  
"You mean, a pitchfork?"  
  
"Er, yes, sire," said the taller weasel, obviously being the more dim- witted.  
  
"Let him in, he's with me," said Conker, as he made his way down to the main entrance hall.  
  
"Mr. Squirrel" Said Franky, in his piercing southern drawl. "I've been needing to talk to you 'bout something. It's really important."  
  
"Hey, Franky! It's been a while. What's up?  
  
"Well, first off, Reg. is all dried up.. He hasn't even got a drip left in 'm. But more importantly, our barn's been destroyed!"  
  
"By what?"  
  
"I dunno! I was just jumping around, loosening up some hay for Mollie, my shovel friend, when something dun crash into the wall and blow it down! It was awful! It wad da nastiest, scariest, shockingest, most unpleasantest-"  
  
"Alright, alright, calm down. Did you see where it came from?"  
  
"It looked like it was headin' from Ms. Sunny Sunflower, but it…"  
  
"So, basically, it came from the South-east of where we are now."  
  
"Urm, I suppose. Have any idea where that's at?"  
  
"Well, from here, it looks like it might have come from Ugga mountain… I'll send some people there to investigate, ask Don Weaselo if there have been any uprisings or illegal activity." Don Weaselo was a heavy-handed weasel mob boss, but he seized control over the Ugga Empire after Buga the Knut mysteriously disappeared.  
  
Lowering his head in his sadness, Franky bounced back to his farm, to face verbal lambasting from a dry, flaky paint pot and his lesser partner.  
  
"Meanwhile," Conker continued, "I want General Rodent and some tech. to come up with something that can shoot down things like that, just to be safe."  
  
…  
  
"Well, after examining ze weaknesses of ze former model, ve can now add flame-proof skin to ze unit and increase resistance to zat threat."  
  
A thin, sniveling weasel with a claw-like metal arm and a squeaky Prussian accent hovered through the lab, uttering flighty and curt orders to nearby weasel collogue. He snatched up a glass of anti-gravity chocolate milk, letting it gently flow into his mouth through the dusty air.  
  
"Now, ve have to patch up zees little problem here, it would be ze 20mm twin-barreled, turret-mounted machine gun. As you can ze hea, it offers no protection except for ze fragile target grid. Ve must upgrade it, at most material costs, by adding a thin layer of plastique over ze grid, acting as ze window. Around ze fuselage, zer will be a tapering steel cover, one thick enough to protect it from most non-explosives. Now verking on that, I vill check how our little message got through to our monarch friend, Conker."  
  
He left the bumbling room, stumbling through the complex until he reached a desk phone. Picking it up with his metallic arm, he punched in the number with the normal one.  
  
"Ello? Es this Don Weaselo? Ja, um, how did it go?  
  
"With Roxy? Well, she started to shed on me… it wasn't pretty…"  
  
"No, I mean, with ze cruise missile. Did you chuck it into a nice, suspicious place?"  
  
"Yeah, don't worry, they'll never find out about dis revolution thing."  
  
"And it vas a nice low land place where ve von't be getting too many investigators?"  
  
"It was an old barn on the outskirts of Windy Valley. They'll think it was an act of the Waspo-Beetle war, still going on."  
  
"Ja? Good! Vell, zat will give us time to start our own little credential behind ze squirrel's backs and they vill never find out until it is too late.  
  
"That's the plan? I could've have executed it myself…"  
  
"Ja, vell, you know how it goes. You provide cover for our operations, we give you financial aid. You give us allied power in ze third-world government, ve keep ze rock monsters from overthrowing ze Uggas. Ja? TA!" Hanging up, the professor hovered into his office, muttering to himself.  
  
"Vell, too much knowledge is a bad thing. And, eh, my father learned that ze hard way… getting sucked into space… awful. But I vill spread ze primordial duct tape over zees land, and…" he smashed his desk in half with a powerful swipe with the clawed arm, "rule with an iron grip!"  
  
…  
  
"Come in," the Brooklyn-descendent weasel offered, tying his robe and ordering his bimbo to halt the back massage.  
  
"Hello," said Gregg, "I am a messenger from the Royal Conk government. I was sent to ask you a few, say, questions."  
  
"Alright," said Don, "let me just get something…" Don pulled out his trusty Tommy gun, the same one that murdered Berri, and began to pump rounds into Gregg until bullets spent numbered 37.  
  
"Ahem," said Gregg, "if you don't remember, I am undead. That is as well as the gatekeeper of Hell. I took up this job as a messenger to earn some extra cash part-time. It pays well, since the bearers are always trying to kill me."  
  
"But… what…"  
  
"I'll pretend you didn't try that, smart arse. Anyway, we've picked up a little...  
  
"Please, before you get to the point, let me offer you a drink. Scotch, perhaps?"  
  
"No, I have a little thing called water, you fat bloody prick. And thanks, let me add, for that extra shot of Anthrax you threw in with the malt. That won't kill me either. So listen, or I'll split you stupid arse in two!  
  
The weasel sat down abruptly.  
  
"Alright, from page one…. We've picked up a little attempt… a shot… a cruise missile, to be exact. It crashed into a barn in the slums of Conk, and it was said to have come from here. I trust you have some kind of alibi."  
  
"I don't know anything about it, I swear."  
  
"Ah, but I can tell that you're lying. That twitch in your snout… that tap of your nail… you're hiding something. But since you weren't to cooperate, we're sending people anyway. If so much as a silo or launcher is found to have fired the missile, we will confiscate that and all military power you've borrowed from us. We'll also have to disband your defense rights, since you tried so blearily to cover it up. Understood?"  
  
"You can search here all you want, you won't find nothin'," he said, holding back a snout twitch.  
  
"… All right. But you know the consequences…" Gregg left the room, and paused. "And this," he slammed the door off its hinges, "is for trying to kill me."  
  
2 Chapter 2: Whispered down the Alley  
  
"Well, we've sent all we should have to send, and it should be a matter of time now before we discover what that twat is hiding," Gregg said, sipping water that was barely 1 degree Celsius. "You do know that I share the same concern for this place that you do. The only place that produces fresh water, the only place that prohibits cats… I can't just watch it get pummeled by missiles."  
  
"Yeah, well, I've always hated that guy anyway. Always having other people do his crap for him…"  
  
"Sire, we've found something… err, interesting in the boiler tower. I think you should come and take a look."  
  
"I know, Mr. Big Cog is a little on the queer side. I'd rather not see that again…"  
  
"No, it concerns the missile and… something about a revolution."  
  
"Revolution? What, I'll take a look."  
  
…  
  
"So, and then he picked up me missing cogs, and put then on the wrong way! You know, the… back way," uttered Carl, an iron cog placed obscenely over another cog's protuberance.  
  
"Oh, man. That's nasty… and, they got away, I'm guessing?"  
  
"Yeah, what'd he do next?" Said the Fire Imps, little red devil- creatures that were constantly on fire.  
  
"Well, I was all like "Fuck off!" and he didn't like that… so, he went out onto that center circle, and ran around, which activated a pulley that spun me around. And I fell off… next thing I know, I'm being pummeled by me cogs and placed… here. I was all like "at's me buggered"  
  
"And this was the same flammable guy that's swimming up here right now?  
  
"What? Oh, bloody hell… don't leave me alone with him, he's sick Quentin on me."  
  
"Hey, guys," said Conker, sopping wet from the tower's unorthodox entrance duct. "What's going on here? I was told there was some important talk…"  
  
"You twat! Get out of here now! I have nothing more to say to… no, don't!"  
  
Conker leaned up, grabbed the cog's bottom spikes and spun him around, activating the second schizoid side of Carl, Quentin.  
  
"Hello. Why, aren't you the handsome one… and a bit familiar at that," he said, winking.  
  
"Yeah, um, do you know anything about a revolution? Or a missile, or something?"  
  
"Well, I find it rather difficult to breathe now, placed on this hunk of cog for so long."  
  
"Yeah, well, okay. I'll give you a minute." Conker grabbed him by the sides and yanked him off, leaving him skittering on the floor.  
  
"Now, about revolution… it seems to me that someone is trying to, say, take over the land."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"His name is Jenkins Weaseled. He is, er, was the son of another weasel… a professor. He meant to follow in his footsteps, but something awful happened… he was sucked into space by his own technological indulgence. It was sad, really, he was a genius."  
  
"Wait, oh my god, that guy had a son? Awe, crap. Um anyway, how does he plan to take over, or revolutionize this land? Does it involve… war?"  
  
"Yes, and he is currently working on a way to destroy your empire. He uses his lackeys, other weasels, his allied forces, and other, say… brutish things."  
  
"Alright, thanks. Anywhere I could find this guy?"  
  
"Well, I heard he was repairing a wrecked, er, base of sort. He spiced it up, supposedly.  
  
"Alright thanks, you've been very cooperative. It there's any more talk… that reminds me… who told you about all this?  
  
"Why, Ted Steamy. He has a direct tie, quite literally, to the pressure valves of the world."  
  
"Who's Ted Steamy?"  
  
"You castrated him and blew him up, you should know."  
  
"Okay, thanks. I'm gonna put you back on, now."  
  
"Thank you, sir, and good day to you," he said, as he was forced back on to the big cog.  
  
"Tho long, thweetheart!" Said a deep, yet disturbingly high voice.  
  
"Who said that?" asked Conker, glancing back to see the big cog give out a wink.  
  
…  
  
"Meek, meek, meek, meek," repeated a green imp as he marched around the castle, in a ball of armor. There were several kinds of Imps residing in the land. They all belonged to a simple clan, consisting of three different castes: purple, green and red. The purple ones were the fodder, most common and sent out to do the lowliest work, often serving as soldiers. If they were, they were usually armed with a paltry spear or whatever they could find. They were dull-witted and could barely think rationally. The red kind was the Fire Imps, who were the slackers of their kind, usually working with purples in a fight. They fought by setting enemies or intruders on fire, and usually got drunk or stoned on the job. The green are the higher ranks, doing the thinking and planning, as well as developing weapons and armor. They spoke in their own skittish language, which would be considered fast in eloquent if it could be understood. They could swim, jump and hurl themselves at enemies within their spiked suits if necessary.  
  
"Sarge! I guess we can tell those investigators to return, we've got a situation on our hands. How's our supplies since the end of the last war?" Asked Conker, looking sternly up at the husky Grey Squirrel.  
  
"Well, we're still recruiting people, I don't think they've yet numbered 4,000."  
  
"What about vehicles and artillery and such? Do we have any scout- type… things? I mean, I don't know that much about weapons. What I do know is that there is apparently another base out there, bigger and worse than the last."  
  
"The gear said the old one was being repaired.," said Gregg.  
  
"Yeah, but it's not there anymore! It's just open sea! Like someone moved the entire wreckage off to somewhere else."  
  
"Conker! Come quick!" Said an urgent weasel.  
  
"Oh, what is it you want now?"  
  
"We've got another missile heading for us!"  
  
A white streak blew across the sky, and seemed to be heading for Poo Mountain. It crashed into the side near the summit, creating a geyser of steaming poo, and scorching a swearing dung beetle. Conker's mouth fell open, and he stared into the bubbling, burning muck. He had once slain a horrible, gooey monster there, and now the top half of the mountain was gone, releasing the foul smell of the wet interior.  
  
"Did ANYONE see where that came from?"  
  
Not a head nodded.  
  
"I want those AA guns to be ready by tonight, Rico!"  
  
"Yes sir, it's they're just about done."  
  
"Let me see."  
  
"Uh, alright, but that will spoil the surprise."  
  
The Sarge led Conker down to a basement chasm in the castle, about 3 floors underground. They arrived in a room full of towering cameo tarps, mixed in with various bits of machinery and the occasional worker milling about, lifting up the tarps and inspecting whatever was under.  
  
"These are our brand-new, high-caliber cluster cannons. They shoot like a shotgun, only the shells are 160 millimeters in diameter, each filled with hundreds of 20 millimeter shells. Behold…" Rico ripped off the tarps, exposing what looked like a typical Grey Squirrel turret gun, except that it had one, swollen barrel.  
  
"Wow… and these will take down missiles?"  
  
"Yep, they've been primed and tested. Now all we have to do is get them out there, and wait."  
  
…  
  
Jenkins sat atop the complex, looking out over the water at the island.  
  
"Vell, with ze second missile coming from our friends at the Wasp Nest, they vill never suspect our interference with their peaceful lives. Ve vill keep slipping out missiles to our enemies until they run low on funds, and then will crush them with raw military power.  
  
"Sound interesting," said Don, marveling at the simplicity of the professor's plan. "Just like the old Blitzkrieg, eh?"  
  
"Ah, similar, but ve must develop our vehicles and weapons beyond the squirrel's ability before ve attack, as they outnumber us 7 to 1 in weasels alone. With zat we add Grey squirrels, rare Red ones, even rarer Chipmunks, and ve come to… 53 to 1. They outnumber us 53 to one.  
  
"Well, very little of that population is primed and ready to fight. And when you said "we", you weren't counting our allies."  
  
"True. That and ze elements of surprise and confusion give us our key infrastructure. I will make sure that ze next attack is launched directly from this base. I will avenge my father's death.  
  
3 Chapter 3: Crimson skies and Retribution  
  
"Hut! Attention!" shouted Sergeant Rico, the Grey Squirrel military advisor as he marched columns of troops between anti-aircraft flak. "We are to shoot down anything that moves, may it be a missile, wasp or flying… ah, fuck that shit!"  
  
"Right!" Cried 28 squirrel soldiers in unison.  
  
"We will defend our ground, our land, our country from this flying menace this is cruise missiles. We will keep whoever is firin' then firin' 'till they… uh, run out, I guess."  
  
"Right!"  
  
"We will…"  
  
"Sir! Incoming fire from the North-East!" Cried an officer. Alarms went off, and warning sirens blared things like "missile attack" and "red alert" in such little unison that it was difficult to get the massage.  
  
"Assume your positions! Fire when I say so!" 28 guns were loaded up with their pilots. Each gun was a special type, launching clusters of 20mm armor-piercing shells at a fast rate. They were designed specifically to eliminate incoming cruise missiles by Rodent and other squirrel ballistics experts.  
  
The missiles were clearly visible now. There were nine in total, launched three at a time in elegant precision. As the missiles grew closer, their shrieks could easily be heard, and almost every animal in the land was watching in awe as they streaked toward their targets. Their formation grew steadily closer, and as the castle watched in all terror, every one of the missiles was headed straight towards the castle.  
  
"Fire! FIRE!" Roared Rico, hat flying off into the abyss.  
  
An earth-shaking staccato of blasts from the guns was heard. It sounded like hundreds of giant paper bags being busted open, and it held for almost seven seconds before the first wave of missiles exploded in mid- flight.  
  
"Not bad, crew! Start firing again… now!"  
  
The horrible lambasting of shots rang out again, this time hitting their mark from farther away. After three more 7-second intervals, since some failed to destroy the missiles, the sky was devoid of them, and clouded with smoke and dust. Cheers rang up from the throne room.  
  
"These are bloody brilliant, now we just have to get them to the rest of the kingdom," said Gregg, tossing up a pint of water with the other's beer.  
  
"Well, now that we've solved the problem of missiles, we can go back to our peaceful, boring lives," said Conker.  
  
…  
  
As the burning sun scorched the hard ground, a hut-put, hut-put could be heard as swarms of Uggas were training, swinging clubs and throwing spears into targets. Huge dinosaurs were mounted and animal skins were donned as they prepared to attack a nearby squirrel city, Frunce.  
  
Uggas were yellow cave men with large chins, and traditionally shaved themselves bald, wearing only long tiger-striped robes. The soldiers, who comprised 60% of the population, wore the skins of lion-type creatures upon their heads. They carried their choice of club or spear, and marched single-file or in formation until they met an enemy. This ensued until they swarmed to smack and stab it until it dies.  
  
The technique mainly applied to dinosaurs, but also worked on their species rival, rock monsters.  
  
These rock monsters were 9-foot pear-shaped giants who lived lives of partying. They were very aggressive and tended to smack Uggas around with their huge club-like arms, usually killing them with no acknowledgement. The Uggas, knowing that the monsters are weak against blunt objects and multiple attacks, mob and bash them to pieces whenever they get the chance.  
  
In the midst of the crowds of Uggas, there were weasel-gang members, toting Tommy guns and telling them what to do. They knew secretly that the Ugga's purpose was naught but fodder for enemies, and that they were used to outnumber.  
  
…  
  
The town of Frunce was not a rich one, but the people maintained simple morals and beliefs, holding suspicions of vampires and witches, only one of which ever being true. That was of the famed Count Batula, who died falling into his own grinder after drinking too much blood. He lived in a mansion, surrounded by a graveyard and up a winding hill full of skeletal snakes, which surfaced to bite and throw intruders. The other houses were of colonial American design, and the villagers were clad in gray tweed and derby hats.  
  
"Come, Fluoresce," said a piano teacher to her student, a 19-year-old Grey Squirrel. She began to play a soft tinkle of a melody, when she noticed her singing water was vibrating.  
  
"What's that?" She asked, pointing to her cup.  
  
"What's what?" Asked the confused teacher.  
  
"Listen!" As she paused, a soft thumping could be heard. It seemed to come in rapid rhythm. A very quiet rumble, a bit like a nearby waterfall, accompanied it.  
  
"What's going on outside?" The rumble grew louder, and now she could hear screams. A drawer at the back of the room fell, smashing China all over the floor.  
  
The two squirrels ran outside, only to be swept up by a torrent of villagers running in the opposite direction.  
  
"What's happening?" Screamed Fluoresce, bewildered as she was separated from her teacher.  
  
When no one answered, she looked back. She noticed that the stretching crowd turned a different color. It took her ten seconds of clueless standing and brushing herself off to recognize them as the sinister, lantern-jawed heads of Uggas.  
  
People were now diving into their houses, and fishing up whatever they could find. Several of them had wooden stakes, torches and pitchforks, but that was all. The town had never been under attack before, and had little or nothing to prepare for it. Hundreds of Uggas were pouring into the village, whacking people with clubs and throwing and stabbing with fatal barrages of spears. The Squirrels used their weapons as well as they could, but they were not good enough. The Uggas were twice as strong unarmed, and the paltry array of wooden stakes and farming implements could do almost nothing. This was further shaken by the fact that the Uggas had the weasel's fire support and the dinosaur's aid.  
  
"Oh! What…" Fluoresce was knocked to the ground by the kick of a particularly boot-happy Ugga. He laughed, until she picked up a stake and threw it at him. It cut into his left arm, and left him yelling and running after her. She dashed into her house, and up her stairs. Realizing that Uggas were different than zombies and that they could climb stairs, she was forced out to her balcony. A spear landed by her feet, thrown by an Ugga below. She picked it up with utmost difficulty, the spear being too heavy for her. With all her strength, she chucked it down at the climbing Ugga. It struck him in the neck, piercing all the way through. Here eyes were streaming with tears at her actions, as well as pain from being kicked, but she could see it stagger and slump to the ground in a bloody pool.  
  
"Oh what have… I've murdered…" she started crying uncontrollably, until she was spotted by an Ugga on a green raptor. It stomped over to the balcony and bit out a section, and she picked up the spear, pulling it out of the Ugga's neck. She flung it at the raptor, narrowly missing. It head-butted the balcony, splintering it and sending her to the ground below. It slowly advanced on her, bringing its teeth down to bite. She rolled into the rubble, making it harder. The raptor took a leap into the rubble, then miss-aimed a lunge as it turned around. A lone squirrel was standing there, picking up the spear she threw. She then saw the other spear in its back, gushing grimy red blood. The raptor, clearly infuriated, lunged and brought its head down on him. It drew its head back up, bleeding from the mouth.  
  
"Chevoy ukkochio!" The Ugga cried. The raptor lunged again, this time stepping on the squirrel. He dodged it, leaving the spear for the raptor to step on. It cried out in pain, bleeding from 3 different places, and fell. The bulk of its body landed right on the squirrel, with a horrifying snap that indicated a broken spine. Fluoresce stood up, stunned from the fall. She ambled over, and placed her hand on his forehead.  
  
"Uh, Fluoresce, I… glad… kept…" his head settled on the ground. Fluoresce then realized that this was her father. She yelled out, but the town was now almost deserted.  
  
In the five minutes the battle had raged, 1 out of every 3 villagers had been killed, leaving a few dead Uggas in with them. The streets and houses were littered with bodies, and the majority of the squirrels had fled, hoping to survive the burning miles of desert. The Uggas had retreated, snatching up their weapons. Fluoresce stood there, thinking of a way to get out. She couldn't. Then the horrible option of suicide came to her. She couldn't do that either. She was about to go try to catch up with the squirrels when she heard a loud Liverpool accent.  
  
"'Eye, Tezza! This town looks like shit!  
  
"Are you kidding? It sucks!"  
  
"I meant shit in a bad way, Bazza."  
  
Fluoresce walked around the corner to see two car-sized beetles crawling around, toting suitcases.  
  
"Excuse me, sirs, could you help me?" she asked, still crying.  
  
"Well, ya look like you could use some 'elp," said Tezza, a superior smirk across his mandibles.  
  
"Could you… fly me out of here?"  
  
"Alright, wouldn't bother us. We just came looking to buy some tea, but fixer-upper…"  
  
"Where do you plan on going?" Asked Bazza.  
  
"To wherever… you go, sir, I guess."  
  
"Well, you seem nice, 'an respectful. But I'm not quite so sure you'd want to follow us back home. 'Cause you see, we're dung beetles. We live in a pile of shite.  
  
"It's called shit, Bazza," Tezza replied, "and yes, we could drop you off near there. Come on, hop up on my neck, by the way, not the back. An' grab my antennae, but God, not too hard."  
  
"Thank you, sir, if you don't mind my addressing you that way…"  
  
"Are you kidding? The last time I was called sir was by King Crapalot the 3rd before 'e was blown up by an explosive ball of poo."  
  
4 Chapter 4: The Mirage  
  
It was a rainy day in Conker's castle, and he had just received the news about Frunce.  
  
"So Frunce has been destroyed by the Uggas? That's the last straw! We're going to take those Uggas and shove them, one by one, up Don Weaselo's ass! He cannot hide this!" Conker was clearly enraged by the happening. He had just shot down a volley of cruise missiles, and now another Squirrel allied town was being attacked.  
  
"I've already sent the CIS to interrogate," said Gregg.  
  
"Good. We will find out who the hell is responsible for this mess and clean it the hell up!"  
  
"Conker?"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Look… what the bloody hell…" said Gregg, pointing toward where the Tediz base used to be. "Use the telescope."  
  
Conker stared through the tube, then his eye caught a strange blip in the rain. It looked like a huge mirage of a shape that seemed to be devoid of any falling rain. Zooming in, he saw that there was a sort of force field of falling water around it.  
  
"What the heck is going on there?"  
  
"Beats me," said a tired Gregg.  
  
"My God. This freaking world is just full of problems."  
  
"Maybe they're all tied together somehow."  
  
Conker sat down, his head feeling heavy. I'll never find out what is going on, he thought to himself. The problems will only get worse and worse. And now there is a huge mirage across the sea, and hundreds of Grey Squirrels lost in a burning desert. He couldn't send helpers to assist, since all of the army was training for a probable war. But it would all go to waste if he couldn't find out WHERE.  
  
"You know what, I think I'm going to take a little break, go outside the castle, have a little drinkie at the Conk and Plucker."  
  
"Oh, bloody hell, and I suppose you'll be too tired to sort out these problems, and I'll have to do them, and then you'll get mad and send me back to Hell. And then you'll die again. And I'll say "well, well, well, look who came crawling back" and I'll remember I'll have to give you another chance because you had one of those all-too-easy to find tails."  
  
Conker strolled outside, looking around and seeing sights and scenes he hadn't been able to look at while behind the great stone walls. The bee hive (run, now, by the King Bee), the dying attempts of the Wasps at staving off the twice-as-big Dung Beetles, the armored Imps guarding the entrance to the stream… all of that with the wonderful background. But the background would never be the same now. The once-beautiful Poo Mountain had a huge hole blasted in the top, with beetles hurrying to fix and support it with hard dung. The now-dormant Batula's mansion, no longer having French squirrels trying to refurbish it. The towering ladder of the barn, which was now out of sight, having collapsed. And the craters left by the shot down missiles, scattered about the huge Spiral Mountain and rebuilt Windy Windmill. He also noticed that the mirage was gone.  
  
"Excuse me, sir!" cried a voice slightly familiar to Conker.  
  
"What? Who is that?"  
  
"Do you know where… oh my, you're King Conker!"  
  
"Oh, ya recognize me? Where are ya from? Your voice sounds familiar."  
  
"Um, I'm from the town of Frunce, sir, before it was…"  
  
"Run down by cavemen? Yeah, I heard."  
  
"Can you do anything about it?"  
  
"Well, we've entered a shadow war, and we haven't anyone to go assist them."  
  
"But they're starving in the desert!"  
  
Now Conker recognized the desperate shrillness in her voice. It was from months ago, when the evil Count Batula had transformed him into a bat in his mansion, upon seeking inheritance. He was fifteen feet away from dropping her into a huge grinder, when a wooden stake had struck him and she was dropped.  
  
"You know, why don't we drop by The Cock and Plucker for a drink? On me."  
  
"Well, you don't suppose they have Chateau Romaine, do they?"  
  
"We'll see. Hey, do you ever recall being carried by a bat?"  
  
…  
  
"So how deed it do?" Asked Jenkins to Don Weaselo.  
  
"Just as planned. They scattered into the desert."  
  
"Great. Our next attack vill be on ze Grew Squirrel's central homeland. And ze vill use ze re-mastered Tediz. Their invulnerability to trauma by blunt objects or fall made them ze perfect weapon. Now they are invincible to flame, faster than before and are armed with full automatics. No enemies, in any shape or form, can defeat groups of vell-armed Tediz."  
  
"What about our weasels? They have bullet-proof vests and helmets."  
  
"They are not as fast or smart, and are still susceptible to face shots."  
  
Having said that, the professor left the room, leaving a disgruntled and jealous boss.  
  
Tediz are evil, Nazi-type teddy bears that can function as soldiers and take order. There are two kinds: big and small. The big ones are slightly larger than the smaller ones, but are stronger and faster. The small ones are weak and can't move as fast, but are smarter and much better aim. They use many weapons, from rifles to bazookas, and even knives and hypodermic needles. They build wide ranges of fortifications, vehicles and munitions to achieve their goals. They have also used themselves and prisoners as hapless subjects for horrible experiments.  
  
…  
  
"So, you ever been malted before?"  
  
"Well, it tastes a bit different. It's stronger than what we had back in Frunce."  
  
"That's because you took double. I prefer single, I like the blander taste."  
  
"Is… this a big issue? I mean, alcoholic beverage. Is the society based upon it?"  
  
"Well, no, but it used to play a bit bigger role in my life. I used to get tanked all the time."  
  
"Tanked means drunk, right?"  
  
The Cock and Plucker was a bit more crowded than usual, being a rainy, moist day where there was little else to do but down a pint. Squirrels, Weasels, sometimes the occasional Ugga or Wasp hung around, chatting with friends and seeing who could chug fastest or hold out the longest. Birdie, a big-time liquor connoisseur, was there half his life, telling his raucous stories to amused and shocked patrons.  
  
"And, then… 'e took da bottle… and he shoved it… shoved, go -humph!-" he smashed a bottle on the table, "into is eye, and was like "ah, my eye" and "you dipshit," and he took a swig…" he picked up a bottle of Rhine wine and drank it, "and, uh, ah." He fell asleep, drunk, on the table.  
  
"Does he always do that?" a young squirrel asked.  
  
"Mm, it's a little habit of his," said the bartender.  
  
"Hey, Birdie!" said Conker, spotting him among the crowd. Birdie woke up, shouted "fuck off," and dozed off again.  
  
"Oh my," said Fluoresce, "that's the worst profanity I've heard since flying home on those scousers."  
  
"Well, it's not about to stop, I hate to tell you. Come on Birdie wake up. I have some seltzer. You can feel better fast."  
  
"AH, gimme at, I need relief!" He took the seltzer, swigged it down, and woke up from his inebriated state.  
  
"Oh, jeez, I feel better. What was it I had to do? Oh, hello, Conker."  
  
"Hey, how ya doing'? How are things in the vegetable patch?"  
  
"Ah, well, those damn wasps keep stealing my carrots. They say they want to "honey glaze" them. Honey-glaze my ass. They don't even make honey. They're wasps!"  
  
"Can you please stop swearing? I'm just out of a nightmare, and I can't bear more of it.," said Fluoresce.  
  
"Sorry. Anyway, I said to them 'stop it, or I'll pull myself out of the ground and kick your, uh butt… no, stinger.' Boy, now that sounds lame."  
  
"They're probably trading it with the honey bees. I'm sure they need to re-supply after getting whapped by those beetles. Anyway, uh, I'd better get going. There's a little problem out there I have to take care of, but I don't know what."  
  
"That reminds me. I ordered a few cases of that, uh, special beer… from the, uh, what is it? Mushroom Kingdom that's it. It's supposed to make you really big, for a sec. Anyway, they say the ship crashed into a rock or something, maybe a reef, I dunno. I thought being the King, you know, you could do something."  
  
"A rock, huh? What port was it going to?"  
  
"Well, they said it was coming from the North. You know, in that canopy where I live. But then, with no trace on radar, it smashed into something. And the weird thing is, the whole thing seemed to stop and flatten out at the front, without any slowing or bottom scraping. I saw it on the news."  
  
"Oh, fuck."  
  
"Conker!" Shouted Fluoresce.  
  
"Oh, sorry, I forgot. Um, Birdy, what you just told me may be the answer to our big problem."  
  
"What's the problem?"  
  
"Well, uh, I really can't tell for myself. Um, I have to go now." He left, leaving a very confused scarecrow.  
  
…  
  
"Okay, Sergeant Rico, I know what we have to do. I want you to send a scout chopper over to the northern sea and find out what is there. There is something there I just know it. Just find out what it is, how it got there, and return."  
  
"All right, I'll tell them immediately. I don't know what I've been told," he said as he marched off, "I don't know... uh, wait… I don't know… ah, fuck that shit."  
  
"Why can't I live in a non-swearing environment?" Asked Fluoresce.  
  
"Well, you could go home for a while, and maybe we could go somewhere on Saturday…"  
  
"I don't have a home, remember?" she said, giving Conker a pleading look.  
  
"Oh right, I forgot again. I apologize. Um, why don't you stay in the guest room of the castle?"  
  
"Um, that would be okay, I guess."  
  
"I knew we'd use it for something."  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Squirrel."  
  
"Please, just call me Conker," he said, as the tall weasel showed her off.  
  
Gregg walked in.  
  
"Boy, I think she could be the one to… you know, end your bloody misery."  
  
"I dunno, she's no Berri."  
  
"She's a hell of a lot smarter."  
  
"That reminds me. Have you got her yet?"  
  
"Well, she had a genuinely good soul, but she was deemed "too dumb" to go to Heaven. So they took her off to test her, see her impulses, and fins out if she was worthy," he said as he sipped more frozen water. 


	2. Parts 5: Capture and Bloodbath to part ...

1 Chapter 5: Capture and Bloodbath  
  
24 squirrel soldiers climbed into their helicopters and prepared to search out what lay in the sea. They donned headgear, loaded weapons, and packed supplies for a long trip, 200 miles away, approximately.  
  
"Alright, you all know your mission! Find out what this great, golden menace is, expose it, and then we'll silence it for good!"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"We will probe, show and eliminate the threat until there is peace and tranquillity in all of the land!"  
  
"We will, uh, oh screw that crap."  
  
Dozens of eyes stared upon him.  
  
"Oh, King Conker told me not to swear. He's, er, attached to someone, and apparently, it doesn't do her too good to hear swearing. So I've replaced every swear word in this here vocabulary with a less-offensive one. Now let's go, we is got a secret to uncover!"  
  
The helicopters roared off into the sky, leaving behind trails of dust and debris in their wake.  
  
Hours later, they landed at the squirrel installation at the harbor, which used to be buzzing with electric eels and frisky boxes of ammo that couldn't stop bouncing.  
  
"Alright, men, place the sonar!"  
  
A small gray box was dropped into the water by a soldier, which emitted a loud beeping noise. A screen appeared, showing nothing particular.  
  
"Nothing, sir," said the squirrel.  
  
"What? Well, dang! You mean we came all the way out here for nothing?"  
  
"Well, uh, we could go out a bit further, sir."  
  
"Yeah, we probably should. Conker said not to return until we found something. We'll just drop this stuff off and take the dinghy."  
  
"Sir, the dinghy has been replaced by a frigate. And a patrol boat."  
  
"Well, we've only got 24 people, so we gonna take the boat. Load up, boys, we've got to find something out here."  
  
…  
  
The next morning, Conker was woken by a flurry of very loud voices. They were coming from directly below him, and they sounded very rapid, in a French sort of way. He dressed up, brushed his large squirrel-teeth, and hurried downstairs to see what was going on.  
  
"Sire, some strange immigrants showed up this morning. They have been demanding to see-"  
  
A smashing sound reverberated throughout the castle, from the main door.  
  
"I recognize that noise," said Conker. "It's the sound of angry villagers braying on the door."  
  
"We're trying to hold them back," said the fat weasel, adding barricades to the door. "If they make a breach, we will have to stop them. I suggest calling down an imp squadron, then going back to safety."  
  
"What… well, alright." Conker picked up a wall phone, and shouted into it. "Hello? Little crisis down here! Send some assistance!"  
  
With that done, Conker ran back up to his bedroom, to crash into Fluoresce.  
  
"What's going on out there?"  
  
"Apparently, some people are trying to get into the castle. And I have no idea why."  
  
"Who? WHY? I'm frightened!"  
  
"Don't worry, I've called for help."  
  
"But it sounds like dozens!"  
  
A huge, painful crack sounded, and the door gave away. It flew open, shoving aside the weasel gaurds. Conker could see, now, that the invaders were people of Frunce.  
  
"What… how did you…"  
  
"Fluoresce! Why are you here?" Said a villager.  
  
"I was brought here by a couple of friendly beetles! And you all?"  
  
"We barely managed to escape the desert. And it was no thanks to this horrible tyrant!"  
  
The crowd of people lunged after Conker, only to be stopped by a wall of menacing spikes. The Green Imps then popped out, shrieking fiercely in their arcane language. The villagers struggled to break through, but after five minutes of being cut and beaten by the Imps, it subsided.  
  
"Okay, people, calm down," said Conker. "Now tell me… why are you here?"  
  
"Our chancellor, that is, Chancellor Don Weaselo, has informed us that a crooked monarch by the name of Conker Theodore Squirrel sent that horrible wave of Uggas that attacked and destroyed our town."  
  
"Whoa, you've got the wrong guy. I'm not even in charge of the Ugga Empire. Don Weaselo is."  
  
"Then why would they destroy us? We have always been allied, and it makes perfect sense that the person who drive away their former leader would try to harm us again."  
  
"What? I drove him away because he was trying to kill me! Do you really think that after everything I did to them that they would let us boss them around?"  
  
"From the way you manipulated that green raptor, I could swear you are blood brothers!"  
  
"Look, just stay at Windy Valley until we can do something about your hometown."  
  
"Why should we listen to you?"  
  
"Well, you're really in no position to argue." The villagers looked around, to see that they were equally numbered by armed weasels and powerful Imps.  
  
"Alright, we will step down, but if anything else happens…"  
  
A round of gunshot cut through the air.  
  
"Stop firing!" Shouted Conker, looking around to see who had cracked the shot. But as he turned around, he saw that it was a guard that fell. He then heard someone say 'yea gonna be swimming' wit da fishes', and a group of weasels strode in, carrying Tommy Guns. They kept firing, stitching holes in the cowered Imp's armor and blasting away at hiding weasels.  
  
"Fire!" Yelled Conker, running back up the stairs. The nightmarish clattering of rounds from all-too-familiar Tommy Guns and the blasts of the pistols filled the air mixed with the screaming of retreating villagers. Fluoresce held Conker tightly, as they rushed up the stairs away from the pounding fury.  
  
...  
  
Sergeant Rico's squadron had been out all night, looking for the sonar blip. It appeared here and there, but never in the same area twice. They had traced it to be far offshore. And here they were, 150 miles out in the sea, chasing something that seemed to mock their existence.  
  
"Well, show's over, folks, we might as well go home. There ain't nothin' out here."  
  
"Sir, look! There's something in the water!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"It looks like something's been carved out of the water!"  
  
Rico looked over to see an enormous bowl in the water, as if it had parted and stayed there, leaving a 200-foot dip. The entire crew was looking about now, at this giant, bobbing shape in the water. It appeared to be miles around, stretching nearly into the horizon.  
  
"Maybe it's a whirlpool!" Suggested a soldier  
  
"There ain't no whirlpool that big, nor one with such a perfect shape as this! Are you all seeing this?"  
  
24 shocked faces nodded.  
  
"Why don't we, er examine it. Steady ahead!"  
  
The boat jumped foreword, accelerating gently toward it. Suddenly, a loud "beep" was heard, then a sputtering followed by a soft splash. The boat rocked as four silver submarines surfaced beside it.  
  
"What the? Man the guns!" A soldier ran into the main turret, the boat's only weapon. It could fire a 75mm high-explosive bullet that was more than enough to take out a submarine. The submarines aimed their weapons at the boat. They were armed with 20mm turret guns, which could grind away the boat from all sides. They also mounted missiles, which were guided, an improvement over the old Teddifunken ballistics.  
  
"Uh-oh. Boys, looks like we're outnumbered. Signal our surrender." A large white flag erupted from the pole, and the submarines closed in. The radio cackled, and a menacing voice was heard.  
  
"Stebayu, ya match it polumba."  
  
"What the hell is he saying?"  
  
But the message was clear, and the submarines nudged the boat until the soldiers followed.  
  
"Where are they taking us?" Said Rico, getting dizzy.  
  
They floated on, and got closer and closer to the weird water imprint. Then, without any pre-empting, a large black hole appeared in front of them, out of nowhere. They floated into it, the submarines followed them, and a vast loading dock appeared in front of them. Half the crew fainted as they floated through the strange, steely nightmare.  
  
2 Chapter 6: Narrow Escape  
  
Conker stepped nervously down the stairs, tiptoeing ahead of Fluoresce. It had been a night ago when the castle was stormed by weasels.  
  
"Hello?" He called, glancing around, "is anyone there?"  
  
"Sire," came the familiar, scratchy voice of his thin weasel guard. He crawled over to Conker, and sprawled there, lying next to his majesty.  
  
"Are… are you all right?"  
  
"It… doesn't look… good." He rolled over to reveal a gaping Tommy gun bullet wound on his leg.  
  
"Ah, don't worry, we can get you to the hospital. It's just a leg wound."  
  
"It… hurts… sire…"  
  
"Medic! Er, someone? Where is everybody?"  
  
"Right here, sire," said the fat guard.  
  
"Well what are you waiting for? Do something!" Yelled Conker. "This guy's shot!"  
  
"I apologize, I must have missed him while picking up the casualties."  
  
"Casualties? That reminds me. What, er, how many people were hurt here?"  
  
"There was a total of 47 deaths. 18 for the intruders, 24 of ours, 3 French villagers and 2 imps."  
  
"How did this happen? Damn, those stupid villagers chose the perfect time! Fuck!"  
  
Fluoresce shot him a look.  
  
"Er, okay, look. Beef up security, hire more Imps, and try to find a place for the villagers to stay."  
  
"We already have, they're in the guests chambers. We were going to ask you."  
  
"Alright, Fluoresce? You okay with that?"  
  
Fluoresce nodded.  
  
"Great. Now, why don't we call the Sarge and say, give him a hand?" The weasel handed him a small ham radio, and he whispered quietly, "hello, anyone there?"  
  
A crackling sound occurred, and a garbled voice answered.  
  
"Huh? Your majesty! We've uncovered the big secret thing! But we're in a tight situation here, and it would be best if you'd call back a little later," said Rico.  
  
"What's going on? Where are you, and what is the big secret?"  
  
"Well, I think it's some sort of… dock or something. We were exploring out here, you see, and we saw these sonar blips from submarines! And, we followed them to this huge imprint in the water! Then…"  
  
"PERFECT! You've found it!"  
  
"SHHH! Be quiet! I, oh shit!"  
  
"What's going on? He's wearing a wire! Block it!" Said a scratchy weasel voice.  
  
"Uh-oh," said Conker, and the transmission became a blast of static. "Oops."  
  
He sighed, shrugged, and walked off to accompany Fluoresce, who had wandered off to the boiler room to watch the imps have a brawl.  
  
…  
  
Rico stared at the wall of his cell, pondering what was going on, and who was going where. They were told that they would be subject to awful experiments, and he had been placed in his own private cell, and the others were put in 7 cells of 4 each. The people who had gone and done were a mix of Weasels and Tediz soldiers, mainly Tediz, and Rico added to that bundle of questions what those awful experiments were, and how awful they would be.  
  
"Ah, shit," he said, "I knew there was something screwy about this. I knew, as soon as I heard those damn submarines that we were screwed over. If only I had thought to bring more people. Damn it."  
  
He heard footsteps as two Tediz soldiers entered the cell.  
  
"Sata ha no tope puma be," the first one said.  
  
"Tama to balm be tyro," replied the second.  
  
The Sarge then noticed, as they passed the cell, that they were unarmed. Like a giant light bulb, an idea formed in his head. He began to cough, as loud as he could, trying not to sound like he was hocking a spitball.  
  
"Shut up en deer," said the first Tedi in his poor English.  
  
"Oh, God, I can't breathe!"  
  
"Ah seed shut up!"  
  
He began to make a horrible throat gurgling noise with his saliva. He heard the Tediz coming back, and he fell over, playing dead. The Tediz saw his mouth foaming, and entered the cell.  
  
"Ah know yea ah fayeking theta cough-e-cough. Stop et, er I'll," he didn't have a chance to finish. Rico punched both of them, stole their key, and then ran out the door. He hurried down the corridor, unlocking all of the prison cells, one by one.  
  
"Come on, hurry! We gotta get our asses out of here pronto!" He yelled, as they ran through the complex. An alarm sounded, and soon the halls were littered with confused weasels and angry Tediz. As he ran along, Rico punched and threw every creature behind him, as the stunned bodies tended to pile and make him less of a target. He reached an area with a sign that marked "prison port", and dashed that way, dodging now-present gunfire.  
  
"Come on, move! I know where I'm going," he said as the other soldiers ran along behind.  
  
As he veered to the left, he saw a vast cavern in front of him open up. They dashed inside, then hid behind a crate.  
  
"Stebayu!" Yelled a Tedi, their typical death threat.  
  
As it went for its weapon, Rico grabbed it first, then threw the Tedi into the water. He then broke open a crate to use as a shield.  
  
"Bingo," he said, as a hoard of weapons piled out. As he handed them out to the soldiers, he heard the sounds of bullets splintering wood by his head.  
  
"Fire!" he said in a hoarse shout. The soldiers fired at the remaining dock gaurds, outnumbering them 24 to 8, and scaring them off. Rico threw crates into the door, then dashed down onto the dock and boarded a cruiser. The 24 squirrels followed, taking places at the control console and at the helm.  
  
"Hold them off at the door!" He said, as Tediz began pouring out. A loud crash and a heavy impact indicated bazooka fire. Several crashes later, the ship was moving out.  
  
"Ready, aim, fire!" shouted a soldier as he squeezed the lever. A huge shell blasted the doorway, causing a slight cave in and eliminating a few Tediz.  
  
"Alright, move out! GO!"  
  
The ship lurched foreword, heading out the open bay door. A Tedi pulled a red lever on the wall, causing it to slowly shut. He held onto it, until a squirrel gunner who had mounted the rear machine gun shot him. As the door slowly reopened, the ship floated out to freedom. But as it headed out to sea, they noticed that it was slowly sinking to one side.  
  
"Whoa, shit! We've got a breach!" Said a soldier.  
  
"Well then let's man the God damn lifeboats," said Rico.  
  
The soldiers dashed down onto the lifeboats attached to the sides of the ship. A huge bubbling sound could be heard as it slowly filled up with water, and Rico then realized after a headcount that they were missing four people.  
  
"Help!" They cried as the cruiser was shot by a towrope from a nearby Tediz tugboat. As armed Tediz poured onto the ship, two of the squirrels tried jumping off. They were soon snared up by a net and pulled aboard the tug with the others. Their last cries of anguish echoed across the sea as the cruiser sank into the abyss.  
  
3 Chapter 7: Horrible experiments  
  
Over the days, Conker and Fluoresce had become closer, and the French villagers had found employment around Windy. Although the jobs they worked so hard to get were never enjoyable, since there was the large possibility they would have to work at Poo Mountain, it kept them busy and helped them to forget their lost friends.  
  
"So, Conker," said Fluoresce as she refilled his Chateau, "do you like our local brew?"  
  
"Well, it tastes a bit tangy, but…" he stifled a choke, "it's… an acquired taste." He wished forcefully that she would let him switch back to his malt without being offended.  
  
"Well, I don't think Garrison used the right ingredients… I don't think they are plentiful here."  
  
"And I gather you didn't like the malt very much?"  
  
"It made me feel so funny… I was pondering doing stupid things! Such a drink should be considered dangerous. But the taste was nice and sweet, kinda bland. Did I just say "kinda"? I meant kind of. I'm losing my grammar."  
  
"Ah, don't worry, you'll do fine. So, how do you think our friends are doing?"  
  
"Didn't he seem a bit alarmed through that radio?"  
  
"Hey, he always comes through. Hey, that reminds me… I think I have another one somewhere. I gave it to a soldier. Can't remember who it was, though. Anyway, they should be reporting back soon."  
  
…  
  
"So, ve have been found, no? Zat means we vill have to speed up ze operation." The professor downed a glass of green tea, which he preferred because of its caffeine-he had to make what he could out of limited sleep.  
  
"Where do we put the prisoners we managed to hold onto?"  
  
"Zer are four of them?"  
  
"Yeah. That means we can't test out everything."  
  
"Vell, I know what I'm doing with them. You do know of ze upgraded destroyer robots?"  
  
"Yeah, you mean the mutant thing?"  
  
"Not just any mutant, it can support a wide array of weapons. It can also use them with very quick reflexes, due to its reliance on ze squirrel brain to do its seeing. It vill replace ze older model, which had a little girl who… didn't know how to handle ze weapons. I want you to have them use two of these prisoners in ze experiment, and ze other two… to fight them."  
  
"Right. I'll go tell them right now." He left the room, leaving the sniveling professor.  
  
…  
  
"Hey, where are the other two?" Said the two squirrel soldiers, waking up the next morning in their cell.  
  
"I dunno, although I remember being awoken by a scream or something."  
  
"Are you serious? Awe, shut up."  
  
"No, I'm not… hey, look, it's a Tediz!" A Tediz soldier shambled over to their cell, rifle in hand, and unlocked it. He made a feeble attempt to speak in English, and motioned for them to get out.  
  
"Where are we going?" Asked the first soldier.  
  
"Maybe we're being set free," replied the second. He heard the Tedi laugh in its scratchy voice as they walked, and after about five minutes, they came upon a large, metal chamber. As they looked up, they saw many weasels and Tediz looking down on them from what looked like 100-foot high bleachers. They were laughing and talking as if it were some sort of social event. A lot had clipboards and pencils, and the occasional notebook.  
  
"What's going on here? Why are we in this big stadium thing?"  
  
"And now, we get to witness the effectiveness of this machine in action," said a weasel in the front-center of the centermost bleacher. The voices quieted down. "Hand them their weapons." The Tedi walked up to the squirrels and handed one of them a rifle, and the other, a large green bazooka.  
  
"What is this, some sort of game?" Asked the one with the rifle.  
  
"You're about to find out. Now, open the gates!" There were two gates underneath the bleachers, and with a rumble they opened up. A blast of steam shot out at first. Then, a loud clinking could be heard. Then, little by little, two unspeakable monstrosities emerged from the mist. As the squirrels looked up, not knowing what to stare at first, they spotted their two friends faces among the nightmare.  
  
"Hey, Rico!" Shouted Conker as him and the twenty others landed their choppers.  
  
"Yo, Conker! Four of them didn't make it!" He said as he climbed out.  
  
"They got killed, you mean?"  
  
"Uh, probably by now."  
  
"What was it that you found?"  
  
"You were right about that second base, it's there! Like the last one, but I think a bit bigger!"  
  
"Well why can't I see it?"  
  
"It's got some sort of, trust me on this one, invisibility system in it. Basically, we couldn't even see it until we were inside."  
  
"But, you can track it down on sonar?"  
  
"Well, they've got lots of defenses, mainly ECM systems and submarines. That means launching cruise missiles won't work."  
  
"That's really weird. I've never heard of this invisible system."  
  
"Well, you said he was the son of a professor, right?"  
  
"Yeah. Well, now that we know where and what it is, we'll have to do something about it, won't we? How many recruits do we have?"  
  
"We're up to 17,000, sir."  
  
"Alright, good. Can we continue the development of tanks and artillery?"  
  
"Already have, sir."  
  
"And aerospace and marine warfare?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Alright then. I want you to prepare to launch a full battalion from the squirrel harbor in the northeast. Then, I want you to round up all the allied species. The bees, the beetles, the red squirrels, the chipmunks, and our weasels. Everything. Tell them all that they are to be on the look out for any sort of uprising, and that they should subdue them at any costs."  
  
"Alright. Will be done, sir."  
  
"I also want our entire Northern fleet to accompany it. And at least two full brigades of tanks and artillery."  
  
"Hey, Conker!" Called Rodent. "I found your other ham radio!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, I was wondering where that was. Thanks." He turned it on, and was hit by a blast of shouts, gunshots and screams.  
  
"What's going on?" He yelled into it.  
  
"Ahhh! Shoot, damn it, shoot!" He heard an explosion of a bazooka.  
  
"Are you guys okay?"  
  
"What is it? Ah!" Then, a clanking sound could be heard. It sounded like a dozen steel bars hitting each other.  
  
"What's that?" Shouted Conker as the piercing sound of a saw now corrupted the radio. The saw became louder, cut through something with a whine, and the screams stopped. Amused mumbling could now be heard. Conker turned off the radio, and let out s sigh.  
  
"What was that?" asked Rodent.  
  
"I don't know, but it didn't sound good."  
  
4 Chapter 8: Allied clear up-One Less Enemy  
  
The huge mountain of honey and nest wood stood proudly at the foot of Windy Valley, overlooking the stream that led to the central windmill and the gorge that led up to Hangover Swamp. It was the homeland of the HoneyBees, an advanced clan of giant insects that was controlled by a monarchy. They had a social economy very much like the Squirrels, but smaller, significantly less rich and relying mainly on harvesting giant flowers to use for honey. They were peaceful, and usually warned or tried to sort out invaders before cutting them down with gunfire. The King, Mr. Zinger Lafayette, had seen the throne before his wife had kicked him out. However, she was unable to guard the nests or return stolen hives from Wasps, and was thus crushed by a piece of stone from a windmill explosion. Lafayette returned to the throne, after becoming slightly boorish and unshaven, but has ruled with an iron fist ever since.  
  
A trio of wasps cut through the air, carrying a hive full of honey away from HoneyBee Boarder. Shouts, threats and taunts could be heard as they arced through rocks and small canyons, dodging gunfire from portable beehive machine guns.  
  
"We gotta get this honey back, or we'll freaking starve!" Said one in his whiny New York burr.  
  
"Yeah, well, all of our alternative sources have been taken by those fucking beetles."  
  
"Why do those losers need our honey anyway? I thought they ate shit!"  
  
"I think it had to do with overpopulation. But yeah, now we're doomed to starvation!"  
  
A wasp was hit with a "splat", and he went down, splattering into bits.  
  
"Well, there goes Morris."  
  
"Yeah, let's hope he had enough reason to regenerate. He hadn't been too helpful lately."  
  
The Wasps were one of the most swindling, violent castes of creatures in Willow Woods. Though they had done legal trade with the HoneyBees, they often had to resort to stealing, due to the decreasing value of their currency, which was almost always something stolen from elsewhere. Because of their pilfering nature, they had soon developed a horrible reputation. They were also regenerated by Gregg Wimbledon because of order by the powers that be, which granted them the ability to come back to life until they had no reason to return. This had caused the competition to be fierce, since no one had wanted to be left in the dusts of Hell. They were usually a bit bigger than the average squirrel.  
  
The Dung Beetles were scows, smack talking beetles, which ranged from the size of doorways to small cars. They were as violent in nature as the Wasps, but partly because the only food they could digest was poo. They could also handle certain herbs of tea, which was a luxury, and the Wasps had stolen almost all of it. That resulted in a horrendous retribution, for although the Beetles had lower tech than the Wasps, they were much bigger and could smash them to pieces and rip them apart with their jaws. Simply sucking poo off the ground was considered improper, which was why it had to be rolled up before gulped down.  
  
---  
  
"Quick, into the cave!" the first one shouted as a squad of bees whizzed past, toting dual rifles to shoot down intruders.  
  
"It's over," said the second one. "Even if we do get back with this honey, it will never be enough to suffice. We're as good as extinct."  
  
"Now don't start that crap. We have to. Wanka Marx is depending on us. If we don't, we WILL be."  
  
"NO! I'm out of here. I don't want to live!" He flew out of the cave, and a splatter indicated his being shot.  
  
"They're in the cave," shouted a HoneyBee, and the first wasp sighed and went deeper into the cave. After gulping down some sweet chocolate and briefly marveling at a writhing tail on a hook, he sped out the other side… into another group of HoneyBees. He stopped, dropped the hive, and raised his front two legs.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry, I'm giving back your hive, okay?"  
  
"Well why should we let you go?"  
  
"Our colony is just haven' food troubles since da big beetle war."  
  
"Well that's your own problem. After a history of stealing, I'd say it's time your ass is paid back for it. Now leave, chop-chop."  
  
"But if we don't get enough, we're gonna starve! And… there will be no more… uh…"  
  
"Stealing? Corruption? All that other crap you bring?"  
  
"Look, how about dis. You give us food, you seem to have lots, and we join you in dis little escapade? With the Tediz?"  
  
"Why should we protect you? You've been our main enemy for years. It would be a great accomplishment to have you people clipped. It would only make our lives easier. Besides, it's been over four years since we got a budget surplus this big. And if the trend continues, the Squirrels will less overshadow us."  
  
"Yeah, now buzz off, or I'll mow you down like I did your two friends."  
  
The Wasp left, unfulfilled of his honey and contemplating the same suicide.  
  
Chapter 9: Invasion  
  
"Okay, it looks like those two didn't make it," said Conker.  
  
"Well, that makes another job for me," said Gregg, as he shuffled off to issue the squirrels into Hell.  
  
"Honestly, I don't see a near end to this, we're going to have to drag out our normal brainstorming routine."  
  
"Well what should we do? They know we've found them. They're bound to attack us and try to halt it," said Rodent.  
  
"I want you to strengthen our defenses at Hangover Swamp. In that general area, I mean. They're bound to do something awful, and since that's exactly where they are relative to us, we need protect ourselves from that direction. Meanwhile, I want the French villagers and other immigrants to occupy the areas in Windy Valley that we annexed from the Wasps, God bless their souls…"  
  
"Sir, our battalion has been sent."  
  
"Good. Although I can't help but to feel worried about them. I hope they're trained well, I don't want any repeats of the slaughter I saw during the first invasion."  
  
Conker sipped his wine, and stopped for a moment. He took a moment to remember the carnage he'd witnessed months earlier. But then he remembered something else. Something intriguing. His mind zipped around for a while, turning over each horrific event. The explosions of shells and machines. The thunder of guns of different caliber tearing up rooms and splitting Tediz skulls, and pinging harmlessly off of his tank's armor. The swoosh of missiles as they pounded away at his cover and crashed down on him from the sky. The clattering boom of a bazooka blowing off a lock or imploding a submarine.  
  
A jolt of excitement shot through him. He looked through the monitor at the neatly-rowed badger artillery howitzers, behind a row of class-19 medium tanks. He had been in a class-22 medium before, and the class-19 was almost the exact same, only it was lacking the efficient targeting and suspension systems. He sighed. The squirrel technology was slightly behind that of the Tediz, and so much strategy was required. His thoughts were drifting off, when his eyes caught a glimpse of the class-16 heavy tank behind it.  
  
It was a magnificent sight. Huge, about 30% longer and a bit wider… it's bulky frame towered slightly above the smaller tank. It housed a much higher-velocity gun of about the same caliber, and there was a small machine gun cupola high in the front part of the turret.  
  
Conker couldn't take it anymore. He broke out into an excited giggle.  
  
"Rodent, this might sound a bit off the edge… but could you…"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Could you send me down there to assist?"  
  
"But Conker, I thought you were sick of fighting!"  
  
"Yeah, well, something inside me just awoke… and it won't go to rest again. Besides, it might benefit them to have someone with a little hands- on experience…  
  
Rodent paused. He sighed, stood up from his stool, and picked up the telephone.  
  
"Hello. Yes, this is general Rodent. The king has ordered that he be placed with the battalion at the harbor. Send a shuttle immediately."  
  
He put down the phone.  
  
"Oh, and Conker… if you're going, I'm coming with."  
  
---  
  
The drone of chatting filled the room as soldiers prepared for the great assault on the 2nd Tedi base. Squirrels talked of their past experiences and ambitions while gearing and arming up.  
  
"Ten-shun!"  
  
Silence fell over them as the stocky-built sergeant marched into the tent.  
  
"Alright, I know this is going to sound crazy. But it is every bit as real as the bullets you ladies packed into your purses of death. But we has got a very special guest who's decided that he will come along with us on our little assault. He has had timeless experience, and was the genius, the hero, indeed the master military tactician who near single-handedly cleared up the first threat to our country, the original Tediz base.  
  
Excited murmurs filled the tent.  
  
"I want us all to line up outside for his arrival. He should be here soon, so be sure to get yours out here quickly."  
  
The platoon lined up neatly, then marched single-file outside to meet the huge crowd of other soldiers from the 39 other platoons. A loud murmur had filled the air, cut short by another barking order from the Sarge. All was quiet, to be broken by a soft humming. As the army squinted into the distance, they saw a small truck hopping over the plains. It neared, then sputtered to a stop. The door slowly opened, then a red carpet unrolled from beneath the steps. Two weasels stepped out, and behind them, Conker and Rodent trudged along proudly behind them.  
  
"Ahem. It is with great pleasure to attend you tonight. And now, on behalf of our country, our land, I would like to celebrate what I would like to see as the end of the horrible epidemic that has reigned down upon our everyday lives."  
  
He paused, and turned to the rest of the battalion.  
  
"We live in fear and despair every day, knowing that something or other will get blown up, and close friends murdered. I have seen many of the two, and this has only strengthened my will, my penchant for survival, my experience, and will serve duly as we march into the roar of gunfire today. The battle may last several days. It may kill all and every one of you. It may be a foolish attempt to purge an unstoppable force. But if I can take on an entire base full of the beasts with a bit of luck and skill, well, then surely, a battalion of the best, the strongest, the bravest of the land can do the same? I wish you all good luck, the same luck I had, and hopefully, even greater skill."  
  
A cheer rose up from the battalion, as Conker and Rodent stepped down and ordered the Sergeant to prepare for the launch.  
  
"All right, let's move out!"  
  
The neatly-rowed troops marched steadily into the 20 large assault landers anchored on the dock, each one much larger than the ones Conker had experience with in the past. They held 40 soldiers each, and were completely enclosed. Coming around the end of the dock into the open sea were two massive battleships, the Pride and the Iron Claw, two of the largest in the navy. Two cruisers, the Minister and the Goodfellow flanked them, along with four unnamed destroyers and several patrol boats. Among them were four huge vehicle landers, and a single carrier, which was staggeringly massive, larger then even the battleships, called, as an ironic wartime joke, the Honeybunch.  
  
Watching from the monitor at the castle, Fluoresce waved a tearful goodbye, praying that Conker would get back in safety. 


	3. Part 10: Berri's ressurection to part 1...

A note before reading: Do not be offended if you are a fan of Berri the Chipmunk, and you find her attitude to be de-characterizing. I do not like this character, and will portray her as I see fit.  
  
Chapter 10: Berri's resurrection?  
  
In a small, dark room, a short, hooded figure goes over a list, whistling to himself.  
  
"He's making a list, checking it twice. Gonna find out who to slice and dice. Oh, heck. Cut them both, they don't have any tails anyway…"  
  
He walked out of his office, which was decorated with skulls of various creatures and eerie blue candles. He is a denizen of the underworld, and one of the many gatekeepers who moderates just who goes to Hell and who doesn't. Basically playing the role of a poor man's Saint Peter, he hates his job, as well as the repetitiveness of keeping track of the species with the greatest number of/most easily-acquired lives: squirrels, cats and wasps. He also scorns the undead, since they mock an opportunity to take in an extra soul and collect his meager pay.  
  
As he walked down the long, dark hallways, he came to a room that echoed with loud techno music. It read "Judgement #44763/self- deserved/bullet/tommygun/mobdon", and there was a little green tag to indicate that it was caused by intentional murder.  
  
He opened the door, and inside, doing rather revealing stretches, was a tall, lithe, gray chipmunk by the name of Berri. She has considered pretty by most, though she had a very saucy demeanor, and a haplessly flaky attitude. Berri was Conker's fiancée before the panther king had been dethroned. In a nightly raid on the Willow Woods Feral Reserve Bank, which took place barely an hour after the destruction of the first Tediz base. The raid had gone well, until Don Weaselo, the very Don that came to chancellor Ugga Mountain, was called upon to tear her to pieces with a stream of bullets from his powerful tommygun.  
  
"Like, hello? It had better not be that little reaper again."  
  
"You bet your arse it is, you rude little prick."  
  
"Who do you have the right to call little?"  
  
"Alright, shut up for a second. I'm here to give you an offer I was probably not supposed to give you."  
  
"And what would that be?"  
  
"Well, Conker the squirrel, as you may remember, was your fiancée. But you probably don't know just what happened to him after your little incident. You see, he became king."  
  
"You're kidding! Are the panther creep and fat weasel bitch gone too?"  
  
"I believe I've already said too much. But I can tell you this much more. He's found someone else in his saddened wake. Yes, he still misses and mourns you very much. But I've not got to the point just yet."  
  
"What? Someone else? That little… first he sets me up, then he lies to me, then he makes me dodge bullets from gun-toting morons, and now I'm being two-timed? That little, snotty, ugly…"  
  
"Well, he does think you're dead! And if you'll stop blithering for a second, I can arrange for your resurrection!"  
  
"Resurrection? You're letting me live again? But… why? I thought I hadn't met the standards!"  
  
"Well, it will not only bolster our shaky friendship, but he may put me in a higher, better-paying position under his leadership."  
  
"Alright. Like, what the hell do I do?"  
  
"Follow me up to the introductory level."  
  
They headed on over to a towering spiral of stairs, each floor leading to several doors placed adjacently to one another. As they came to a final, heavily decorated door at the top, it slowly swung open.  
  
"Like, can't we get an elevator here?"  
  
"SHHH. Follow me."  
  
They made their way over to a table with what looked like résumé's stacked up in neat piles. Gregg shuffled through them until he came to 44763. He took it in hand, and pulled a little white bottle out of his pocket, labeled White Block. He opened it, and dabbed some white fluid over the bright red "failed" stamp on the back. He then opened a drawer, took out a "cleared" stamp, and whapped it down in place.  
  
"That's all you have to do?" said Berri, relieved.  
  
"Yep. Well, not quite." He raised his hand, then it disappeared. Suddenly, a huge, skeletal hand came down from the sky and grabbed Berri by the scruff of the neck.  
  
"What the." It lifted her into the air.  
  
"I suppose you want me to send you somewhere nice? Like, maybe, the castle?"  
  
"Yeah, that would work fine," she uttered as she was pulled upward into the dark abyss.  
  
---  
  
Fluoresce slid the Panther pawn across the chessboard, capturing the fat weasel's Squirrel pawn on the other side. It was an old set, and it was made back when the squirrels and panthers were enemies, fighting with medieval weapons like swords and such.  
  
"I can't believe he left like that, not even telling me. How could someone be so reckless?"  
  
"Should've seen him right before he killed the horrible panther king," said the tall weasel in his scratchy voice. "Took out 19 of our own before he got shot. Then he came back and killed 5 more."  
  
"Well, he did have the help of his lady accomplice," said the fat weasel as he slid a centurion-type bishop into place.  
  
"What was she like? And how, exactly, did she die?"  
  
"She was riddled to death with a Tommygun. She was a fine lad, a chipmunk, I think. She was very tall, and had a long blonde ponytail."  
  
"I mean, what was her attitude? Was she nice? What made him miss her so much?"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't say nice. In fact, she was sort of a dumb flake. She had a really bad attitude."  
  
"Who are you calling a dumb flake?"  
  
Berri stepped in, still wearing her Hell prison attire and standing proudly a head taller than Fluoresce and the fat weasel.  
  
"Who's there?"  
  
"Your little reaper like, let me come back again. And now I'm going to like, beat your ass."  
  
1 Chapter 11: Bombs and Boats  
  
"Master Weaselov, we have a situation here," said a weasel nervously as he glanced onto a scanner.  
  
"Vat? Why? What is going on?"  
  
"We've recorded what looks like… once of the largest fleets we'd ever seen heading toward our bas at what seems to be a steady 34 knots."  
  
"But, ve haven't finished ze secret weapon! How will… no! General!"  
  
"Yes, Master?"  
  
"I want you to send a full two rows of Zephyr Mark II submarines to deal wit them. Meanwhile, I want ze Ostwind cannon to be perfected as soon as possible!"  
  
"Alright. I'll call them into overtime."  
  
"Good. I never suspected they would retaliate this quickly. I shall avenge my father's death, no? And with zees fleet gone, they vill have nothing to retaliate with, and we vill silently, then very loudly, rule all of ze Eastern continent."  
  
He paused for a moment.  
  
"You know vat? Send some C-35 heavy bombers in for good measure."  
  
---  
  
The massive fleet bobbed slowly up and down in the ocean, churning toward their destination, sonar's gently blaring to keep track of the fleeting signals that would lead to the massive installation. The troop landers hummed in peaceful contrast with the roaring of the battleship's motors and the carrier followed behind, turbines creating a high-pitched whine.  
  
"How far out are we?" asked Rico, aboard the Cruiser Goodfellow.  
  
"120 miles, approximately. We've got about 80 more to go, sir."  
  
"Alright, good. This is going to be the biggest overseas operation there ever was in the squirrel's history."  
  
"Well, I hate long waits. I just realized that I forgot to tell Fluoresce about my absence, but… I hope she's found out by now," said Conker sadly.  
  
"Let's just not have a repeat of the first assault, boys."  
  
"Ha! Let's see those murder holes take down this thing!"  
  
"Yeah. Hey, come here a sec. I need to ask you something."  
  
"What would that be?"  
  
"Why did you come out here to fight again? I thought we agreed that war was a terrible thing."  
  
"Well, yes, but… oh, c'mon now, you can't tell me you aren't the least bit excited."  
  
"I'll admit to that, but after I… er… drafted you the first time, I figured you'd be in for a break, I mean come on. It's just three months later. Most traumas last decades.  
  
"Trauma? Oh, sure… um, look. If I want to help the people of my country, you'd better just…"  
  
"Okay, I understand. But you remember what happened to Berri. And by the way, you don't plan on fighting in the front line, like infantry again, do you?"  
  
"Well, what other choices do I have?"  
  
"I could commission you as a tank commander, or ship gunner, or… there are countless possibilities. As king, I feel it would be with utmost smartness that you chose something safe."  
  
"Nah, I enjoy the feeling of the heat of battle."  
  
"Well then I should probably squeeze you in with a squad. I think I'll assign you to group 36. Them are some of the battalion's elite veterans."  
  
"Great. Where do I go?"  
  
"Well, they get a special private barracks aboard this cruiser. Let me show you."  
  
Just as Conker began following Rico, an urgent squirrel's voice was heard.  
  
"We've got a group of bogies coming in at 2 O'clock!"  
  
"Bogies? Waddya mean by that?"  
  
"Submarines. 30 of them!"  
  
"Oh, shit! What can we use against them?"  
  
"We've got 6 depth charge launchers, four anti-sub torpedo tubes and maverick missile launchers. The Minister is armed with the same."  
  
"Well, damnit, man them all! I'm not going to get sunk by those bitches any day!"  
  
"Sir! Bombers coming in as well!"  
  
"That's it! Signal for the Honeybunch to launch her fighter jets! We're gonna take the little bastards down!"  
  
Suddenly, the deck of the ship came alive as people squabbled to get to their positions at the guns of the ship. Squirrels, weasels and chipmunks poured into their positions on all the other ships as well.  
  
"Alright. You know what to do."  
  
Shrieks filled the air as planes were preparing to take flight, but the bombers were already closing in. They halved, then divided threefold the distance between them and the massive fleet. Swooshing noises could be heard as they launched their air-to-ground missiles. Waves of warheads crashed over the Goodfellow, destroying weaponry and smashing into walls and points of the deck.  
  
"No, This can't happen! Wait, I forgot!" yelled the Sarge.  
  
"Forgot what?" asked Conker.  
  
Then, as if to answer his question, the familiar thundering staccato of gunfire filled the air. In seconds, half the bombing raid collapsed, the other half split off to other directions.  
  
"You brought those special guns?" asked Conker, relieved.  
  
"Yep, I knew they could be of more use on things besides cruise missiles."  
  
Though half the fleet was gone, one of the four destroyers had sustained fire too heavy to go on. Its deck was smashed open by bombs, and the control tower had taken serious damage and was leaning foreword.  
  
Meanwhile, the fighters had fully taken off, and were pumping missiles into the bombers one by one. The bomber wave was crippled, and the last few remaining bombers headed desperately back to the Tediz base.  
  
"Mayday! We're going down! We need assistance!" shouted the captain of the destroyer, which was sagging heavily to its port side. Frantic crew began boarding lifeboats and jumping off the deck.  
  
But meanwhile, the new threat had reared it's head-the submarines were firing their missiles at long range, which traveled slowly enough the air toward the fleet. The thundering rounds of the cluster cannons sprayed over and over, exploding them moments before they hit the decks of the ships. At the same time, the cruisers were hurling depth charges into the sea, while the battleships and destroyers blaster into the water with their guns in an attempt to knock the submarines about underwater.  
  
After about five more minutes, all of the submarines had either been destroyed or had retreated back to their base. The crew of all the remaining ships congratulated themselves as they gathered up the drowning crew of the destroyer. Once again, the enemy had been annihilated, and the fleet continued the prolonged journey to the Tediz base. All the while, the Sarge led Conker down to the SSD (special squad dormitory). They marched in, and soon, Conker was introduced to a small group of colorful characters.  
  
"Right then, I'll see you when we land," said Rico, leaving.  
  
"So then," Conker started, "Where have you guys fought? And, uh, as the king of all the land, I think I ought to know your specialties."  
  
A tall weasel stared back and spoke up in his deep, scratchy voice.  
  
"My name is Henry, and I've been in the war on the rogue weasels in the North-East, as well as serving 2 years as a bank guard for the Willow Woods Feral Reserve Bank. I was off duty the night it was successfully robbed and shot up by some horrible bastard duo. I might have been able to stop them, since I was quite literally, the best one there. I'm a sniper. I could shoot a Tediz ear off a wasp's back if I had to."  
  
"Alright, then. How about you?" asked Conker, pointing toward a red squirrel in the back corner.  
  
"I'm Rick, and I was one of the survivors of the first Tediz onslaught. I'm an engineer and a munitions expert. I can modify almost any stolen weapon or ammo to fit our counterpart. I can also disable and reprogram most moderately simple computer systems or locks."  
  
"That sounds pretty useful. How about you?" he said, pointing to a large gray squirrel in front.  
  
"I'm Brendan. Fought in the Wasp uprising of two years ago. I took a bullet in the back, two stings in the chest, and a bite by a giant larva to the right leg. I can also run 3 miles through knee-deep honey carrying a bazooka," he said, grinning.  
  
"Wow. How about you?"  
  
"I," a smaller gray squirrel said in a bit of a French accent, "survived-you won't believe it-a mansion full of zombies in an attempt to destroy a horrible vampire lord three months ago in my olf town of Frunce. I was chased, bitten and picked up by a hideous black bat that, no offense, looked a bit like you. I'm a pilot or driver of just about any vehicle, squirrel or Tediz. M name is Chamond."  
  
"Okay. You people sound pretty talented. Well, I survived the first Tediz onslaught, escaped from Batula's mansion after briefly becoming a bat and dropping a few villagers in a grinder for him, committed the robbery of the Feral Reserve Bank and dethroned the Panther king."  
  
"Uh-huh," said Rick, giving Conker a sly smirk.  
  
---  
  
"Ah, then, so we have failed to sink ze squirrel fleet. We have made an ass of ourselves. Is ze Ostwind cannon ready?"  
  
"Not quite, sir. It needs proper mounting," replied a squirrel commander.  
  
"Vell how close is ze squirrel fleet?"  
  
"About 40 miles out, sir."  
  
"Oh, shit! It looks like we might be facing an invasion after all. Damnit! Shit!"  
  
"Should we prepare the island's defenses?"  
  
"Vat is the use? Ve will never stave off a fleet that size. But I guess we have no choice. All right, I want all ze guns manned, all ze vehicles up and running, etc. We cannot be unprepared. And send extra crew to help mount ze fucking Ostwind cannon on time! NOW!"  
  
---  
  
2 Chapter 12: Catfights and the Ostwind Cannon  
  
Fluoresce looked up at the tall, menacing figure cloaked in a drab, grayish, two-piece robe.  
  
"So you're the little runt that he likes so much! Well, you're certainly not much to look at!"  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Berri. And I'm pretty sure he's told you about me?"  
  
"You mean his dead girlfriend? No, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't come back after being…"  
  
"Your little reaper friend brought me back, you like, little fucking imbecile."  
  
"Why must everyone swear so much around here?"  
  
"Shut up. Get over here, now."  
  
"Why? I can hear you plenty from where…"  
  
"I know that! I'm gonna beat your ass!"  
  
"Why do you have to keep saying that? And you don't… you don't mean… a fight, do you?"  
  
"That's exactly what I mean."  
  
Fluoresce walked nervously foreword to face Berri. She looked her over, studying her impressive height, her long, muscular legs and her angry blue eyes. She tried to hide her trembling, but it showed much to the fun of Berri.  
  
"I don't want to do this," Fluoresce said quietly.  
  
"Well too bad." She kicked Fluoresce hard across the face.  
  
Fluoresce shrieked as she fell to her right, holding back the throbbing pain in her head. Berri walked over her and stood, and as Fluoresce got up, punched her in the stomach. Berri's arms weren't exceptionally well developed, but Fluoresce wasn't used to it. She began to cry. Berri jumped back and, just when she was about to unleash a flying kick, the thin weasel grabbed her from behind. She struggled to get out of his grasp, while the fat weasel smashed her on the head with a pot, knocking her out. The thin weasel then helped up Fluoresce, while his accomplice dragged away Berri's unconscious body, sighing.  
  
"Well," said Fluoresce as she rubbed her red eyes, "now I see where he gets his attitude from. I can't imagine how he got together with someone like her in the first place."  
  
"At least he'll be excited to know she's back," said the tall weasel.  
  
---  
  
"But more than anything, I certainly think that the best possible combination for close-quarter fighting would be a pair of barrel smoking MC5 subs," Conker said, pulling them out. "I spent just about all of my time fighting with these, and they never let me down for a second. Never even touched the standard-issue S16 assault rifle."  
  
"Well, you made a smart decision, but I suggest, for long-range purposes, that you stick around with at least on of these," said Henry, brandishing his S16.  
  
"Why? They're both fully automatic!"  
  
"Yeah, but what if you're in need of precision? Like, for say, sniping? You don't want a small inaccurate weapon that sprays bullets like melon seeds."  
  
"Then get a sniper rifle!"  
  
"What I mean is, if you can only take 1 weapon with you, then for versatility's sake, you'd go with the S16. It can also mount a silencer and a small grenade launcher."  
  
"I'd much rather go off with class," said Brendan. "I wouldn't get caught dead with that cheesy stick on the battlefield. I'd take what Conker has. Hell, gimme a freaking F-43 Roundabout Tommygun."  
  
"You know, the S16 outperforms the F-43 in every way. It's even lighter."  
  
"I don't care. I took out a room full of Wasps with one."  
  
"Just wait until your head is splattered in by a Tediz AJ-47."  
  
"Wow, I never knew some people were so serious about what they killed with," said Conker.  
  
"Seriously, it's not about 'dignity'. It's about doing what you have to. And it's smarter to go in with the best you can find, not a 50-year- old mob machine gun," said Rick.  
  
Brendan was about to reply, when the Sarge announced loudly on the intercom.  
  
"We're now approximately a mile from the location of the Tediz base. Prepare for drop-off. All soldiers, repeat, prepare for drop-off. All landers prepare to disperse vehicles. All gunners into position. All… uh… fuck that shit. We is got a war to fight!"  
  
"Alright, this is it, guys. Time to show them that we are the best of the best, right?" said Conker.  
  
"Well, unless they're 50-foot monsters with bullet proof skin, I can handle 'em," said Brendan.  
  
Conker breathed out nervously, knowing that he'd faced numerous such creatures months earlier.  
  
---  
  
"Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! How close are they?" screamed Jenkins at his underlings.  
  
"500 meters, sir," he replied.  
  
"Oh, no! Is ze Ostwind gun ready?"  
  
"We've just mounted it, sir! It's still charging."  
  
"Good. As soon as it charges, you have my order to fire immediately on their landers!"  
  
"Yes, sir. Charging commencing now.  
  
---  
  
"Hey look!" said Conker. "I can see the imprint of the base in the water!"  
  
He paused.  
  
"This just occurred to me. How are we supposed to land if we can't see it?"  
  
Then, on perfect cue, right before their eyes, a tremendous island shimmered into view. It was surrounded by beach, typically, although there were several tunnels that extended out directly into the water, which presumably acted as ports. Behind the beached layer, there was a thick layer of jungle canopy, though the occasional murder hole/turret emplacement stuck out, and there were literally hundreds already inside. Dirt paths and poorly paved roads led deeper still, so deep that eventually they could not be seen. The center of the island was what looked like a huge dirt mound with patches of cold steel showing through. Altogether, it was a wonderful sight, and it was about 20 miles in diameter.  
  
"Wow… that's, well, pretty," said Chamond.  
  
"We are now preparing now to dock! We are … wait… holy crap!" yelled the Sarge.  
  
A small dot of light appeared above the magnificent island. The flash brightened, and suddenly, a lightning-fast beam erupted from the top. In almost an instant, a second destroyer was incinerated.  
  
"What the FUCK! All right, full ahead! I want you to land on the western beach!"  
  
The ships slowly swerved to the right, going from single file to two straight rows.  
  
"What was that?" asked Conker, in a frightened, squeaky voice.  
  
"I don't know, but I'm about to piss my pants," said Rick.  
  
"They'd better just hurry up, if I die, I want it to be a timely, dramatic death-not with thousands on a huge ship, where no one will recognize me," said Henry.  
  
The blinding light flashed again, striking the cruiser right next to them, the Minister. As it exploded outward, the Goodfellow was showered with burning bits and debris. The ship rattled and shook from the impact. Conker gulped as the burning skeleton of the structure folded and sank into the ocean.  
  
"I have a feeling this guy really knows what he's doing," he said.  
  
---  
  
A weasel braced the controls of the massive gun tightly. It was a superweapon, designed to be the certain bane of any invasion attempt. Firing a blast of extremely high energy, in incinerated whatever it hit, and the weapon itself was on such a large scale-requiring 3 separate fusion engines for a firing rate of 1 shot per minute-that it could take out the largest of ships.  
  
But great power came with a cost-it took months and millions of dollars to build, and it was due to this that they weren't able to assemble it until it was too late-the enemy fleet had already closed in on their location. And although the weasel had already melted two enemy ships, they were now too far left for the gun to traverse, out of range. Too bad. The gun had an effective of 60 miles, and, had it been built quicker, it could have melted so much more.  
  
"Oh, crap, they're out of range," said the weasel.  
  
"So what are we gonna tell Jenkins?" Replied another.  
  
"We're gonna let the Tediz take care of our problems."  
  
"Yep, those little buggers are certainly expandable. But how are you so certain that they will succeed? You remember that one squirrel, the one that became king… he killed over 110 single-handedly.  
  
"They're improved from the older ones, you realize. They have flameproof skin, and protective cast-steel helmets to block head shots. They also have a new "fire-before-stab" attitude, so they don't charge foolishly at an armed opponent with their bayonets."  
  
"I hope you're right. Let's just watch their little bout."  
  
Hundreds of floors below, the Tediz were rushing to their posts, manning machine guns and filling murder holes. Some boarded tanks, which were state-of-the-art of the time. The first was the Class-22, which was originally a captured Class-17 medium tank. It had seen minor radar and suspension upgrades, and was a solid tank with a low-velocity 105mm anti- tank gun. It was also fast and maneuverable, and it had decent protection. Thick armor and reinforced superstructure meant it could withstand at least one shot from a similar gun to any point on its body and not be destroyed. It could also take several direct hits from a T-300 Tediz bazooka, and was virtually invulnerable to most small explosives.  
  
The Tdz-18 heavy tank was the prime heavy tank of the Tediz. It was roughly the same height, but longer and much wider. Its thick armor made it almost invulnerable to the squirrel's anti-armor weapons, and it's high- velocity 120mm gun gave it tremendous range and striking power. It could cripple a squirrel class-19 with a single shot, and do the same to a class- 16 heavy, assuming it didn't hit the frontal armor. It had a 20mm cannon mounted coaxial to the main gun in the turret, and a machine gun and mounted bazooka in the top part of the turret, which could both be pulled out if necessary  
  
"Alright, you know the drill," yelled a weasel Sergeant to a platoon of Tediz and Weasels. "Let's move, move, move! Tediz, out the window! Weasels, into the woods! I want you all mobilized to take out this threat. Jenkins is depending on it."  
  
---  
  
"Attention, squirrels, we are ashore! Repeat, we are ashore!" Barked the Sarge into the intercom. "I want the Battleship Iron Claw and the two remaining destroyers to shoal around to the beach bout a mile down from here. I also want a vehicle lander and 15 troop landers to go with them. You are to destroy any enemy activity! The rest of us, unload here."  
  
Helmet donned, Conker grabbed up his rifle and a single MC-5 submachine gun. He remembered his first horrific assault on a Tediz beach, but this time, they had Armored personnel carriers. These carriers were aboard the vehicle landers, and to get to them safely, they had to connect the two ships via a transport tube. He felt lucky to be aboard a cruiser rather than an unstable, cold, foul-smelling troop lander.  
  
"Ready?" Asked Rick, who grabbed his duffel bag of supplies and headed on out.  
  
"Well, I sure as Hell am not getting any readier," he replied as he walked down the long corridors of the cruiser to the vehicle bay. When he got there, the air immediately stank of fuel and oil. He followed his colorful comrades into an APC, and Henry started it up with a rumble. They slowly backed out of their squeezed parking spot, other Armored Carriers following, and slid down the ramp onto the beach. They saw other, much more flimsy-looking APCs pouring out of the vehicle landers. They housed the foot soldiers, almost all of whom were gray squirrels, and certainly many of which would die.  
  
Suddenly, the empty murder holes above lit up, spraying the APCs, tanks and other vehicles with bullets. But almost as quickly as they started, the artillery of the squirrel's force fired round upon round at the attackers, heavy mortars blasting the fortifications to pieces. Soon the murder holes were devoid of threat, and they were rolling up the beach, only to be stopped by the tank-blockers that littered the beach.  
  
"Oh, crap. How do we make it through?" said Conker.  
  
"You're about to see," said Chamond. As he spoke, the battleships guns were slowly turning to the beach. A thunder arose, as it's powerful rounds slammed into the beach, digging up and tossing aside the tank-blockers. As the APCs slid foreword triumphantly, however, a sudden burst of shells rained upon them from the jungles to the side.  
  
"Oh, Hell! We've got enemy tank movement in the surrounding woods! Fire upon them right now!"  
  
Soon, the night sky was lit up by the pounding of guns from the Pride and Goodfellow, and the artillery howitzers along the beach. Armor piercing shells whizzed through the air, crashing into and destroying APC full of soldiers, knocking out tanks and disabling artillery. A loud "thud" sounded as a shell blasted open the wall of Conker's APC, letting in the cool night air and opening up the sounds of gunfire.  
  
"Okay, guys, I think we'd better go!" Yelled Conker as the tinkle of machine gun fire reverberated inside the vehicle.  
  
"Yeah, I think we should head into the jungle," said Chamond.  
  
"Hold on," said Brendan, pointing to dark shaped pouring out of the trees above. He pulled out his bazooka, fired it with a "poof", and headed off with the others. As the guns were beginning to fall silent, the squirrel battalion had held its position long enough to disperse the rest of its troops into the surrounding jungle.  
  
3 Chapter 13: The Beginning of the End  
  
"I still can't believe he chose me over you," said Berri, icing her forehead.  
  
"He didn't 'choose' me. He thought you are dead," said Fluoresce.  
  
"Yeah, well, he could have done better."  
  
"Why must you be so rude?"  
  
"Why shouldn't I be?"  
  
"Settle down," said the fat weasel. "I'm trying to access the Central News System." He twisted and turned the radio until a scratchy voice was audible.  
  
"We interrupt this broadcast to give you late breaking news of the invasion. The fleet has landed successfully, but only after a mysterious force vaporized two of the ships. One of them, the cruiser Minister, had aboard half of the special tactics squad brought on the mission.  
  
"Oh, no! That might have been Conker!" Shrieked Fluoresce.  
  
"All of the vehicles have landed safely, and tank defenses and a small brigade of enemy armor were destroyed by support from the nearby battleship Iron Claw. The soldiers are now flaying into the woods, and are searching for a way to infiltrate while the two armored companies are holding the ground and firing directly upon the Tediz base."  
  
"Well, it looks like they were doing okay," said Berri. "Let me out there, I'd show those freaks who's boss. Honestly, they're Tedi bears!"  
  
"Well yeah, but they've mastered every form of combat," said Fluoresce.  
  
"They still look pretty pathetic," said Berri.  
  
---  
  
"Okay, boys, good work," said the Sarge as the Battleship Pride helped the 2nd battalion to flush out and destroy hidden Tediz artillery. "Now I want squads 41-60 to go to search in the jungle to the east. Squads 61-80, you come with me to the west, so we may meet back up with the first battalion. And keep on the lookout for any infiltration possibilities! Let's move!"  
  
The Sarge marched into the jungle with his squad following behind. They were inexperienced new recruits, three of which were gray squirrels, and one weasel. Rico didn't like working with new recruits. He hated to see them get injured, die, and he exceptionally hated the fact that this would be their first experience in the field, where they would most likely suffer mental trauma afterwards and be changed forever. He had seen this happen many times, and he wished he could have stayed with Conker to help the special squads. But no, the fresh-faced soldiers needed one strong leader in each platoon, and Rodent was managing the other.  
  
"All right, get down low and huddle quickly," he directed them. They complied, and soon, they were shooting past scrubs and ducking under branches. Sarge popped his head, out, and there, out in a small clearing, he saw four weasels chatting. They were special close-quarters squads, Rico could see clearly as they bore a bulletproof vest, steel helmet and shotgun rather than a rifle.  
  
"SSSHHH! Get down." The soldiers stopped abruptly and crouched.  
  
"I'm so sure you would rather be out here doing guerilla warfare anyway," said one weasel.  
  
"Yes, it beats searching for red squirrels to please that bloody Panther King. I'm glad he's dead."  
  
"Aim for the head! Okey, in three, two, one, now!" whispered the Sarge. The soldiers popped up, then quickly pointed their rifles at the weasels.  
  
"What the," the first one said, but it was too late-the squirrels fired several three-round bursts, aiming directly into their faces. The weasel's heads pulped, and the first 5 dropped to the ground, dead. One of them tried to escape, but Rico pulled out his .44 Stallion magnum and shot him in the back. The powerful bullet went right through his vest and into his spine, killing him.  
  
"Good work, boys. Now, let's keep searching. Let's look around this dirt wall, there has to be a way in." Just as he said that, ropes dropped onto the ground near them. Rico looked up to see four weasels sliding down, shotguns toted in their belt hooks.  
  
"Look out, get them!" He screamed. They aimed their rifles up and sprayed the weasel's legs with bullet fire. 3 of them fell, while the Sarge shot one with the magnum in the bottom of the chin, killing him instantly.  
  
"Regroup," one of them shouted. They backed into each other, them fired their shotguns, just as the squirrels ducked. The fatal phalanx of shotgun shells tore into the plants above their heads. Before they could reload, the squirrels pulled back out and drilled the weasels to their deaths.  
  
"Great job with those troops. Now we just have to get inside. Give me your rope gun," he asked a soldier. Rico fired it above the window, where it stuck firmly, then retracted, pulling him up with it. Once at the top, he rested on the sill, then pulled out his walkie-talkie and ordered everyone else to do the same. Passing down the rope gun, he was glad he'd given one to each group. One by one, the squirrels hoisted themselves up, and into the Tediz base for the first major infiltration.  
  
---  
  
Waves of wartime nostalgia swept over Conker as he passed through jungle patch to jungle patch, staying in cover with his comrades. Every patch he would inspect, every inch of wall he would search out for a door marking… but his squad found nothing. As he came to a large clearing of sandy beach, he heard a fast clinking sound. His heart almost stopped as he remembered the spider-like mines that popped out of the ground in the first base, but it was coming from very far away, and he heard no whine of the proximity sensor.  
  
"Quiet! Get down," he instructed his group. They ducked behind a nearby rock.  
  
"What is it?" Rick whispered.  
  
"I hear it too," said Brandon.  
  
The sound grew louder now. It was definitely coming closer. Conker peeked out from the side. He saw two fat, dark shapes heading toward him. As they stepped into the clearing, the rapid clanking became a "thus, thus- thus-thus-thus-thus-thus" as they lurched foreword. One of them passed a light on the wall, and for a second, he could see clearly a very odd sight- it looked like the frenzy of robotic spider legs on the mines he used to encounter, but on top, there was a fat, bulky upper body. Upon it was the sinister and painfully familiar face of a Tediz, and it was wearing a shiny, silver helmet. For a second, he thought it was one of the giant experiments he'd encountered months before, but it was only a head taller, about 6'2. He saw that like the experiment, one of the arms was a metal claw, and the other was harmlessly stuffed-but unlike the experiment, it had no host or "puppet on it. Below them were two thin metallic arms, each toting what looked like an assault rifle or a heavy machine gun.  
  
Conker heard a shot fire aside him, and turned to face Henry, who was firing sniper bullets into their skulls. The Tediz seemed unharmed. Unharmed, that is, until Brendan fired his bazooka. Bits of fluff flew everywhere and the Tediz creature stopped, its fluff arm and most of its body gone. But it kept coming, until Rick threw a grenade into its fluffy side. It stuck, and they ducked behind the boulder again. The explosion ripped through the air, but it was followed by another-which resulted in the rock being smashed to pieces. Dust cleared to show the second devilish monster toting two bazookas where the guns where. Conker frowned. Just like the giant experiment, this breed of Tedi had interchangeable weapons. Brendan fired again, blowing off its bottom half and most of its legs, as well as knocking its helmet off. This took its aim off, so its shots blasted the dirt, blowing them back several feet. It switched back to machine guns and fired, tearing into Brendan's stomach and upper torso and knocking him to the earth. Chamond pulled out his revolver and fired three shots into its exposed head, taking it down for good.  
  
"Brendan! Are you okay?" exclaimed Henry, lifting Brendan's head and torso.  
  
"Yeah, speak to us, old buddy!" said Rick.  
  
But Brendan only fell limply onto the ground out of Henry's grasp, not even sputtering or shifting. He was stone dead, as bullets had torn into his spine, heart and lungs. Conker knew, at this point on, that they would be facing some very horrible troubles on this viscous high horse they had mounted. He looked back at the Tedi corpse. It sat there, looking blankly at him with its dark, lifeless eyes.  
  
"Well, he was the strongest and bravest of us five. He suffered immensely, took bullets and wounds before, and now his life as a soldier has been abruptly cut short by a few more wounds than he could take," said Henry. "If, maybe we'd shot its limbs off, or its weapons got jammed, just maybe…"  
  
"Alright, that's enough, we have to proceed. Forget about him for a second- remembrance will only be a weakness," said Rick. Right as he finished, gunfire cut through the air. The remaining four cadets jumped behind a tree, Chamond grabbing the bazooka. Peeking out, muzzle flares could be seen in the trees ahead. Chamond fired into the trees, and a steaming dark object pop out. Conker heard muffled, Germanic-sounding swears. These were the Tediz, tried and true, and slightly refurbished from their premier state. Conker pumped rounds at it on the ground, while Henry shot the second one out of the tree with his sniper rifle. As it fell to the ground wounded, Conker alternated between pouring lead into the two in a gory overkill, until they were unrecognizable. As he stood there, his guns smoking, thunder rolled over and it began to rain. Cool wind soothed his rage and made his fur stand on end.  
  
"Relax. These things happen. Besides, I remember packing him a tail," said Rick reassuringly. "If the reaper's anything like mine, he'll bring him back sometime."  
  
It was going to be a long night.  
  
---  
  
Static hissed on the radio as the fat weasel toggled with the reception.  
  
"Come on, 'tis this blasted radio, sodding storm," he said. Finally, the network's five-chime melody sounded through the blizzard.  
  
"We give you more news on the invasion, which has, so far, been quite a success. Beach defenses appear to be minimal, and according to reports from Sergeant Fritz Rico, two infiltration points have already been established. One from him, working with several standard infantry divisions, and another from general Rodent, with the help of several squirrel demolitions experts to blast down one of the outer walls. Still no word from King Conker, although with his past experience and his special squad, we're sure he'll be quite all right. If things keep up as expected, the base should fall in approximately two to three days. I'm Franky Blue, reporting from the S.S.S. Honeybunch."  
  
"Like, what kind of a gay name for a warship is the Honeybunch?" asked Berri.  
  
"I don't know, but I hope that they're right about Conker," said Fluoresce.  
  
"Relax, he said the Tediz were pretty easy to deal with."  
  
"Yeah, but the way he described that professor nut, I'm pretty sure he made them better."  
  
Over the hours they had waited in the castle, Fluoresce and Berri had grown steadily less hateful around each other. They chatted, played chess and Fluoresce introduced Berri to some friends. They were very shocked at her tall, voluptuous figure, her rather rude attitude and her strong language, but this secretly amused them as much, if not more, than it did worry them.  
  
"Well, it's about 2:00 AM, I think I'll be going off to bed," said Fluoresce. She stepped up to the guest bedrooms, and Berri stood there, not at all tired, but desperately missing the exciting world outside of her little cell in Hell. She walked down to the main hall, which was dark and a bit quiet. She knew that the gaurds would not want her up this late, as she would certainly be mistaken for a thief and be questioned. Much as she was annoyed by the proper little Fluoresce, she didn't want to have to wake her to prove her innocence. She was a heavy, strong weasel guard shining a flashlight down the corridor. She quickly stepped behind a stone pedestal, landing with a "thump". She winced, as she had forgotten her ninja training and how she should have landed soundlessly.  
  
"What? All bloody right, who's there?" he said in a deep, husky voice. He strode over to the spot where Berri was. As he got closer, Berri crouched down, preparing to jump. The guard looked behind Berri's pedestal, and Berri jumped right over it onto the other side. The guard, confused, walked around it. Berri tracked his gaze and followed around the other side until she faced the door, where she made a break for it. He turned her way and squinted into the darkness, then aimed his flashlight in her direction. He caught the glimpse of fleeting leg, dismissed it for an illusion, then walked off, minding his own business.  
  
"Sucker," she whispered to herself. She decided to do what she hadn't done in months: fill herself at the Cock and Plucker. 


	4. Part 14: The Sleeping Giants to part 16:...

Note: At this point in the story, with several sequences going at once, it gets hard to keep track of the place. From this point on, each passage will have the area, narration and time prior to the text.  
  
Chapter 14: Hell Overseas  
  
Rico, Tedi base sector 45c, 4:25 AM  
  
Sergeant Rico was tired, fatigued and on the brink of breaking down. He sat in the corner, panting furiously, having just shot through the skulls of two more Tediz. He had just witnessed the death of three entire squads to four Tediz and two hideous beasts he'd never seen before. Altogether, he'd only made a paltry six rooms in, and the fortress was miles long. He'd realized that fighting these monsters in the narrow halls was very difficult, and that he would have to vouch special tactics to route the new enemy.  
  
Tediz were no longer susceptible to head shots, for one. They wore steel helmets, and the only way to penetrate was to get into enemy fire and put a magnum bullet through them. Their stamina had increase, as they could take several bullets before going down, though a constant stream of fire would usually jerk their body enough to keep them from aiming. Also, and probably most importantly, the Tediz were much smarter-they carefully scanned corners to throw grenades, then fired from the side or tops of boxes and crates. They used to simply rush out, or jump on top of a box, presenting a clear, fluffy target.  
  
And the hideous, spider-legged beasts usually took some kind of bazooka or explosive fire to bring down-not even magnum shots seemed to faze them.  
  
"What time is it?" Rico asked to his fourth squad. He had no idea how far the other squads had gotten, but he was pretty sure that rookie error and repeating mistake would rack up tremendous casualties, and soon the woman of Willow Woods would be tirelessly knitting folded flags to send home to poor mothers.  
  
"4:30, sir," replied the squirrel.  
  
Rico sighed. He ordered the squad to push into the next room. But to his beautiful surprise, it wasn't a dank, crammed hallway-it was a large, empty room full of computers and monitors. Each screen showed camera activity somewhere in the base.  
  
"What the… alright men, take five. I think this little bit of intelligence will help us." He spotted a large, colorful monitor on the wall, which was an illustrated map of the base. As he took control of the large console next to it, he found that he could switch between floors. Curious, he went directly to the top. It showed a large, oval room marked "Jenkins's deck". He turned the name over in his head, and quickly came to realize that it was this Jenkins that built the base, and that getting to that deck would be the main goal of their mission.  
  
"Boys, I think you should come over here and have a looky," he said as his squad stared at the screen in front of them. "I think this is the area that we're looking for. Jenkins's deck. And this thing also has a complete layout of the base, which will tell us where the elevators are, which will lead to a much quicker victory. I want you to summon three more squads to this location. I think this is an important gain, this here room, and the more people to hold it, the better."  
  
Right as he'd finished his dramatic speech, three gabbing weasels entered the room. They looked like technicians, and they were armed only with pistols. The squirrel squad was quick to hold them up and silence them, before a very strenuous, helpful interrogation.  
  
---  
  
Rodent, Tedi base underground ammunition storage, 4:25 AM  
  
19 squirrel squadrons marched proudly into the interior of the base, followed and supported by three remaining armored brigades. The tanks marched row by row, and Rodent, inside the squirrel's heaviest tank-the class 16 heavy, happily chuckled out filing orders to his soldiers. They had faced but one single squad of Tediz, and a couple squads of weasels. The tanks easily chunked all of them, and they were able to cover what seemed like a mile, losing only one class-19 to bazooka fire. The section of base that he had blasted open had apparently led into a massive underground loading dock, and it stretched deep into the base. At this rate, they would have penetrated the entire base well within Franky Blue's forecast.  
  
---  
  
Jenkins, Jenkins's deck, 4:45 AM  
  
"Ahhhhhh! Vats are ve going to do? Those God damned squirrels have already taken two control stations, and zat stupid tank column is headed towards ze ammunitions facility! Please tell me you were quick on the finishing touches of the destroyers!"  
  
"Yes," stifled a weasel technician, "they're ready now."  
  
"Good! Send two of them to deal with ze tank column, along with one heavy tank brigade. I want them all dead. If they destroy ze generator…"  
  
"No, sir! Will not have a repeat of the first base's fate. I will deploy them immediately. How do you plan on retaking the power stations?"  
  
"Vell, it is already too late, but don't worry-the database of all power stations is restricted. They cannot get any more info than a layout of the base. Besides, they obviously haven't mastered dealing with the Werfers yet. Send a squadron of Werfers and two of Tediz to each of their locations. I'm sure they can handle the intruders, but they must not be allowed to penetrate any further. We'll have to take zees one bird at a time," said the sniveling professor. Oh, and one more thing. I want the other two destroyers to take care of those pesky battleships. They will serve as the perfect out-of-range threat to take down the bastards."  
  
The destroyer robots were considered a very risky gamble at first, but emerged as an ultimate multi-purpose weapon. They were first produced in the old version of the base, with a few flaws that allowed Conker, in his class-22, to destroy it. It was a gigantic mechanical chassis with six massive legs that allowed high speed and good stability over almost any terrain. On that chassis was the huge, genetically mutated and obese- looking upper body of a Tediz. It looked dopey and awkward, but its skin was soon found to be a technological miracle, as the thick, rough hide was almost impossible to rip or tear. The one problem, though, was that it still collapsed, causing damage to anything under it. This was solved by the obesity problem-the fluff of the giant Tedi could absorb the shock of almost any shell, and certainly the class-22's 105mm high-explosive ones. Its head was made with the same stuff, so head shots did no more than dizzy it.  
  
While one of the arms was also made of the same stuff, the other was a metal claw that was strong enough to pick up a 35-ton object and slam it to the ground with ease. The claw could be flipped around to reveal a giant saw blade that could be used to mow down foolishly brave soldiers. The other arm carried its "host", which was either a captured prisoner or Tediz with its legs ripped off and stuck to the arm. This person would help give the Tediz coordination so that it could fire, move and aim at the same time. Though unprotected on the first model, which ultimately led to its death, a shield generator coming from inside its body now surrounded this person, as well as the vulnerable-looking breathing apparatus on the bottom of it.  
  
Below its main arms were two thin metal ones that could mount one of many weapons. One was a rapid-firing 75mm high-velocity minigun that could fire, out of its barrels, 14 rounds a second (the original host got it wrong and said 8000, providing some comic relief). These guns could tear into a tanks armor in a split second, knocking off its aim all the while with the powerful stream. The second was two high-powered energy beams, which could serve the same purpose as the minigun, but slightly less powerful and with a much shorter range. The last weapon was an eight-pack 240mm-missile launcher, which could store a total of 32 rounds before having to re-supply. Each one could be heat, laser or even fur-guided, and had a range of up to twelve miles, significantly out ranging most squirrel artillery pieces.  
  
---  
  
Conker, Tedi base eastern jungle, 4:45 AM  
  
Conker had been searching with his squad for hours. He had trudged around the perimeter of the base for 3 miles now, and all they encountered were the very tough (but still manageable) Tediz and the rather common weasel squads, which were almost laughably easy to pick off. They had killed 32 since their encounter with the spider-things, and hadn't come across any more since.  
  
"I really don't think there are any penetrable points on the outside. There's no way in," Conker said gloomily.  
  
"Why don't we contact Rico and ask him if he's stumbled across anything?" Offered Henry.  
  
"Good idea," said Conker as he pulled out his radio. He turned it on, got a buzz of static, and yelled loudly into it.  
  
"Hello? Rico! Are you there?" A barely audible voice responded.  
  
"King Conker! Is that you? Where are you?" asked the Sarge.  
  
"I'm still searching along the outside wall. I don't think there's any way in! Where are you?"  
  
"My platoons went up through the windows. We used our rope guns."  
  
"Rope guns. Great," said Chamond, suddenly remembering that he'd forgotten something.  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"I'm a little ways in, we've found what looks like a control room. It has a layout of the entire base. I might be able to find you a way in," he reassured.  
  
"Alright," said Conker, lighting a cigar and trying to keep the cold, wet rain from blowing it out. He heard a distant clash on thunder among the thundering of the still-firing battleship's guns. After a couple minutes, Rico's voice came up again.  
  
"There's a vehicle bay door about four miles from where you landed. Do you see any numbers on the outer walls?"  
  
Conker looked along the fortress walls, and for the first time, noticed that there were large, blue numbers painted on. He squinted to see that he was at number 74.  
  
"I'm at 74. How far do we have?"  
  
"The bay is between where you are and 75, you're just a couple hundred feet away from it."  
  
"Okay, thanks, Rico. Good luck," Conker added as he snatched up his radio. Just as he turned it off, he heard a huge creaking sound further up the path. It was followed by a "clang", and the entire earth shook. It started slowly, like the thudding of a Green Raptor's footsteps, but it was much louder, and it sped up until it became a thundering legato of pounding.  
  
Conker and the squad trudged on cautiously, wondering what was making the horrible sound. The trees thinned, then tapered off into another large, empty patch of beach. Conker squinted in the darkness to see something that almost gave him a heart attack. As the other members of his group stood there, cigars dropping out of their mouths, Conker pulled them quickly along the wall until they came to the opening. They quickly jumped inside, right as it closed the night away from them, recalling what they had just witnessed.  
  
The single most frightening thing Conker had ever fought. Well, from a standing point of view-he fought it in a class-22 tank. It was an experiment at a time, but he'd just seen two, which meant it was mass- produced. And they'd narrowly missed being crushed by them.  
  
---  
  
Berri, The Cock and Plucker, 6:00 AM  
  
Berri burped lightly as she leaned softly against the wall, her head pounding from her headache along with the loud music. It seemed people couldn't be more excited to know that their friends and family were going off to war, though she still doubted the threat of the harmless, cute- looking Tediz.  
  
"Um, I thing I'm done ver tonight," she slurred loudly to the bartender as she handed him her mug. She got up, took a very long pit stop, and stepped back out into the bar, her head spinning and reeling from the alcohol. She then noticed a tall chipmunk man standing near the entrance. He smiled, and she walked over to him.  
  
"Ello! Wanna like, hehe, sit with me a little? I kind tired, she said.  
  
He was clearly sober, and seemed a bit downtrodden and nervous from her slurred speech, but a chuckle and bidding from his friends to "go for it" was the only persuasion he needed. He headed on over with her to a couple of empty chairs, where he sat down with her and attempted to make intelligible conversation. After a few minutes of failed introduction and accidental sexual reference, he realized it would prove difficult, but he decided to hang with her until she got reasonably sober. Though they were the same height, something about her made it seem like she was a bit older, maybe a few years, him being 17 years of age. Almost drafted, he instead got the privilege of spending time with a pretty and perplexingly drunken stranger.  
  
1 Chapter 15: Carnage on all Fronts  
  
Rico, Tedi base control room 46c, 6:00 AM  
  
"Hurry! Get it in here!" Rico said as the squirrels hauled in a 20mm defense gun mounted on a light chassis of wheels. The squirrel squads had been found, and after a couple of hours gaining data on the base and elevator locations, they were just ready to go, when several more Tediz tried to break into their position. Squirrels struggled to hold the door shut just a moment longer, and right before the 20mm was ready, the Werfers added their superior strength to break the door down.  
  
"Now!" yelled Rico, and before the Werfers could react, 20mm rounds tore into them, effectively stunning and smashing them to pieces. Two squirrels fired bazookas, and all the while Rico was steadily popping magnum rounds into them. In a few seconds, it was over.  
  
"Excellent! But you forget that we had the element of surprise. Don't expect that kind of luck the next time. Now move it! We've gotta get a move on!" he picked up his walkie-talkie. "Squads 65-68, move to this location! All others proceed at will and try to find an elevator. We've got to hurry this up, the slower we go, the more time that bastard has to plan to stop us. Go!"  
  
His platoon marched into the ever-familiar dank hallway. They cleared a room, carefully skimming around each corner, and found it to be empty. But then, a creak was heard. And in a split second, machine guns were blasting all over the place and the room erupted into a violent bloodbath as four Tediz dropped from the ceiling grate and fired onto the intruders.  
  
"Holy fuck!" shouted Rico as soldiers dropped left and right. Luckily, backup waves were still pouring in, and the Tediz were taken care of-but only after they'd taken eight squirrel lives. The panic started to settle when two weasel gaurds entered. Bullets tore at them, shredding their armor and knocking the wind out of them until they joined the pile of dead bodies on the floor.  
  
The next two rooms were empty, but as they finally approached the elevator, a high-pitched whine sounded behind them. Looking back, they saw six small metal spiders were digging their way out of the walls and floor. Panic filled the air as the platoon rushed for the elevator, making it there just in time. Two squads, however, were cut off behind the spiders. The crafty explosive arachnids made U-turns and slammed right into the diminished crowd, and soon the walls were well decorated in thick cadmium red.  
  
---  
  
Rodent, Tedi base underground deployment dock, 6:30 AM  
  
Rodent never usually swore, but his cursing was rampant as he shrieked at his soldiers to abandon their APCs and pour into the complex. He didn't know what those horrible monsters were, and he could only gape in horror as they tore apart tank after tank in the column. So far, his little team had rolled over many Tediz squads, facing little or no trouble. Then he'd encountered an armored brigade, which was easily outnumbered and forced to retreat by his. But now, the problems had escalated in the threefold, and even the largest artillery gun they had, the 155mm-artillery battery, could barely do any visible harm to them at all. Even the class- 16 heavy tank's high-velocity 105mm gun could only scar or slightly burn the beasts.  
  
He jumped out and helped fellow technicians activate the doors that led to the actual interior. He knew that he was already several miles inside, and that an infiltration at this point would greatly help their victory. He shuddered as he heard the "crash" of a class-19 medium tank being slammed down onto the cement, exploding.  
  
"Come on, hurry up," he urged as one of the destroyers shelled two APCs to pieces, polishing off another two squads. More artillery fire beat him in the back, and he turned toward the threat, unharmed. Soldiers were pouring out of their APCs, scrambling to get into wherever the doors led.  
  
"Ah! Bingo," said Rodent opened a door. That little invitation resulted in a flurry of squirrels charging into the building-straight into massed Tediz guns. Slaughter was soon present both inside and outside the opening, and Rodent quickly deserted his dying comrades to find that his technicians had opened several more doors. The massive crowd of squirrels forced its way in, just as the destroyer's giant saw blades bore down on them.  
  
Conker, Tedi base sector 127a, 7:00 AM  
  
---  
  
"Is it just me, or do they seem a little smarter and harder to kill?" asked Conker.  
  
"Well, they're wearing helmets, so now that means that cutting down six of them in a row is no longer an option. Still, if we've gotten this far with not a scratch more, I think we greatly outmatch them," said Rick. "I'm getting kind of tired, I can't see how you got this far on your first time through."  
  
"We're just gonna have to go deeper and deeper until we find something helpful," said Chamond.  
  
At least it was nice and warm, he thought to himself. He'd hated walking out in the rain, where Tediz could assault you from any area, though they could usually be avoided and bypassed entirely. In the narrow corridors, they were an easier target, but they couldn't be passed up. Luckily, they had encountered very few of the spider-legged Werfers. The few that they had dealt with were bogged down with the crammed boxes, blowing them open and throwing them out of the way to leave themselves vulnerable to a bazooka shot.  
  
"It's been kind of empty lately," Chamond noticed as they left their second empty room. "Maybe we've thinned out their numbers a little."  
  
"Hey, I hear a scratching sound," said Henry.  
  
"Oh, no, not another one of those damn spider Tediz," said Rick in disgust.  
  
"No, there's also this high-pitched beep. It sounds like a bomb about to…"  
  
"RUN!" shouted Conker, quickly forcing his was through the zigzagging boxes. The others looked behind them to see the threat-four spider mines, the same kind that had attacked Rico, had popped up and were speeding towards them from behind. They scrambled through, hoping desperately to outrun the quick-legged spider mines, whose bodies were flat, aerodynamic and perfect for flying quickly through crowded spaces.  
  
"Look, I see a four-way path!" panted Conker, as the walls became a blur behind him.  
  
"Which way do we go?" asked Rick.  
  
"Just move, they're gaining!" shouted Henry as he pointed back to the mines, which were now just a couple meters behind. But then he and the others came to a very abrupt stop, and they almost puked with fright. The same threat, this time numbering seven, was heading straight towards them. Conker compulsively went left, and to his great relief, there were no more mines. The path he had taken was marked "waste dump". He didn't like the sound of that, but he had no real choice-9 spiders were now chasing them, two having crashed into one another and exploded. They rounded a corner, which slowed the spiders a little, and came to a hard steel door-swinging halfway open with a slight breeze. It was the foulest-smelling breeze that had ever swept over him, but he shoved it open and jumped out-plunging down 30 feet into a mix of sludge, garbage water and metal parts. The others fell aside him, drenching him and themselves with the stuff. Conker's nose wanted to retreat back into his head, but thankfully, he looked up and saw the spider mines peek out, stop, and return to their spots. They weren't programmed to follow more than a couple rooms, at the risk of destroying something important or killing a patrolling guard.  
  
"Ugh. This is disgusting!" shouted Henry as he shook himself off.  
  
"Been in worse," said Conker, not lying at all.  
  
"So where do we go? Are we just supposed to trudge through this crap all day?" wondered Rick.  
  
"Well, I hope you weren't kidding when you called it crap-look!" said Henry. The room widened vastly, and a few hundred feet down, they could see that it became a massive, immensely long hallway that stretched on forever. And they could see, now, that the bits of junk, the walls and the floor all gradually lightened as it went on and became what looked like poo.  
  
---  
  
Franky Blue, S.S.S. Honeybunch, 7:00 AM  
  
"Sir! We cannot see the missiles! We can't shoot them down!" yelled a frantic squirrel marine as missiles continued to crash into the deck of the Pride.  
  
"Bullshit!" shouted the captain. "They're coming right at us!"  
  
"Yes, but they're emitting no rocket flare! It's completely dark!"  
  
"Then use the Goddamn searchlights!"  
  
"According to our radar, they fly at twice the speed of sound!"  
  
"Then find out their position and fire back!"  
  
The two gouged each other with reason while Franky stitched up his coat. He knew he had to get out of there, the missiles were coming fast and they had already lost several guns. He grabbed his supplies, wound his favorite camera around his arm, and headed down to the lifeboat deck. Thumps and crashes sounded all around him as the storm continued its thundering tempest.  
  
He headed out onto the deck for the quicker way, when a missile landed about 40 feet from him, caving in the entrance. Several more missiles followed in a fierce volley, stitching up to the control tower. Three struck it, causing the tower to collapse across the deck, nearly crushing him. He hurried past it, and held his breath as he entered the smoking, burning chamber. It was a good thing he knew the exact layout of the ship, he didn't want to be there a moment longer.  
  
When he finally got there, there was a scant few lifeboats left. He rushed into one, to find that it was already fully occupied with the 8- person limit. He saw one that had people boarding it. Rushing over, he jumped on, and left one more person standing in the shaking ship. Suddenly, he heard a loud "crack", and a cold wind ruffled him heavily, followed by a very strong blast of freezing rain. He and two of his newly met shipmates hoisted the tarp over it to keep them dry. A new loud command echoed an all-too-late order to abandon the aircraft carrier. The small, rowboat-sized skiff dropped into the waves. Franky fumbled for his radio, adjusted the knobs to get as little static as possible and yelled into the speaker.  
  
"This is Franky Blue again aboard the S.S.S. Honeybunch. The assault is done, repeat, the assault is over. We've been locked out here attacking the fortress for seven hours, and all troops have been long in. Enemy missile fire has crippled out fleet, forcing a retreat and ending the outside support of the battalion. Sunk are: the Iron Claw, the Goodfellow, the last two destroyers, both vehicle landers and most of the troop landers. And now, the Honeybunch." He paused to signify dramatic importance.  
  
"The remainder of the fleet is heading back to Willow Woods, and we can only hope that the mysterious flash that vaporized two of our ships earlier is no longer present. Expect no further news until outcome. I'll say again, expect no further news until outcome. I'm Franky Blue, signing off for tonight. And may God be with the soldiers of our country on this night."  
  
He paused, then raised his hands in a silent prayer. Lifting open the tarp on one side, he looked out to see a slight tint of sunlight over the horizon. He suddenly realized how tired he was, and he collapsed into his spot, joining three others in a long rest.  
  
Berri, Castle guest bedroom, 8:00 AM  
  
Berri hiccuped as she lifted her head from the foul-smelling pillow. She had a hangover bordering on the worst she'd ever had,, and the little bit of sunlight out at the moment stung her eyes. She blinked twice, then sat up and noticed an uncomfortable strand of sheet around her midsection. She pulled down the blanket and saw… an arm. She brushed it off and lifted the sheets to find a rather disturbing sight.  
  
"Oh, my God," she said. She had wakened up in the same castle, same room, and same bed she fell asleep in. She pondered for a second, wondering how this young stranger ended up around her. It didn't come back, so she got up out of bed and shook him until he woke up. As he blinked to consciousness, her instincts told her that he looked cute, and that's when it hit her.  
  
"Tell me this didn't happen," she said rather loudly.  
  
"MM. What? Huh? Where am I?" he asked, completely disoriented.  
  
"You know where you are. And how did this happen?"  
  
"How did what happen?"  
  
"You and me, this."  
  
"Uh, I guess we both, hmm, my name's Jason!" he replied pathetically.  
  
Berri winced, then decided that she'd sort things out with "Jason" once she fully recuperated.  
  
"Whatever," she said, walking downstairs to get a seltzer pill from the master bathroom.  
  
Jason looked around, a little bewildered. "Nice castle," he shouted after her.  
  
Chapter 16: The Return of the Great Mighty Poo  
  
Rico, Tedi base sector 56f, 8:00 AM  
  
Rico's platoon stepped out of the piping hot corridors into what looked like a small, underground city. There were buildings and stations that looked dormant from the outside, and the cool air was a welcome change from the sweaty, nauseating stench of the base corridors. The enemy load was steadily declining, and Rico couldn't help but to wonder how far they were into the base. He really didn't know what to think-the buildings seemed somewhat inviting, but they could be a trap of any kind. At least there seemed to be no more Tedi-spider monsters running around.  
  
"Hang tight, men," he barked to his still plentiful group of comrades. "We don't wanna barge into anywhere stupid."  
  
Rico looked around the quiet town, and saw two odd-looking booths of some sort. They were about 12 feet tall, and they looked thickly armored and well fortified. Rico wondered if they were fuel cells of a sort. Then they slowly turned around with a mechanized "hum", and Rico found himself staring into… the twin, gleaming barrels of a 20mm defense turret gun. The clatter of gunfire sounded, and Rico and his troops were quick to retreat behind one of the buildings.  
  
"Holy crap! We need artillery support now! Jason! Mount your mortar!"  
  
"Yes sir!" said a short gray squirrel with his high-pitched, nondescript voice. With the help of a couple friends, he hoisted a bulky 90mm infantry gun into position, which they had dragged along with their 20mm cannon. He aimed it up, then paused a second to caliber it to the correct setting. Another soldier slipped a shell down the tube, and they triggered it. A "Plunk" followed by a loud whistling ensued, and the shell landed right on top of the turret gun. Rico peeked out to see the collapsed cupola, but he also caught the sight of three Tediz rushing to their position. He ordered his platoon to ready their arms, and the Tediz leapt out, with almost no chance to trigger their guns before they were split apart.  
  
"Okay, let's take a break here, shall we?" offered Rico, but he heard another whistling sound.  
  
"Sir, I think we should…"  
  
"Fire in the hole! Get out!"  
  
The platoon jumped out from behind the building-right as a shell crashed down, the blast flattening out a nearby tree. The second turret slowly turned in their direction, and just as the barrel swept over the crowded platoon, it caved in and the structure collapsed under the impact of a squirrel's bazooka.  
  
"Great job! You may have saved most of the platoon! But don't get cocky, we've got us a while to go. Anyone have an idea where?"  
  
"Why don't we check out that building, sir? It looks like one of those control stations we found earlier. Maybe we'll get a clue on where to go," said a soldier.  
  
"Sir, we're running dangerously low on supplies. Our squad is down to 3 clips left, and the rest aren't doing to well either," said another.  
  
"Alright then, we could use another rest. I'm getting tired as Hell, and I think I need something to drink besides water. Let's hold up the place," said Rico.  
  
They walked in, guns drawn, and casually held up the working weasels inside. After reloading their weapons and stealing the weasel's food, they watered down some beer and took to the computers again, looking for the next place they would strike.  
  
Rodent, Tedi base cooling duct #4, 9:00 AM  
  
Rodent ducked behind the iron cabinet as Tediz rifles clattered in his direction and cut into the papers within. He pulled out a pineapple fragmentation grenade, snatched the pin out and counted to himself to three. The clatter of rounds began again, and he threw the grenade over the cabinet, and it exploded right before impact on the floor. It cleared out two of the Tediz, but the outside of the blast only singed the other three. They continued to advance, stepping over the burned papers and hissing to themselves. Two squirrels jumped out and fired, hitting one Tedi all over the upper body, but he and his friends returned fire successfully and killed them both off.  
  
"I told you, wait until they come at you!" yelled Rodent in his comically squeaky voice.  
  
The scratchy breathing came closer, and the moment the Tediz dashed into view, they were cut down.  
  
"Thank you, God! Let's go!"  
  
Rodent was displeased with his troops so far. It seemed that anyone who could drive a tank would get mowed down in direct combat, and anyone who could fire a weapon properly would only do it if he knew he was going to get splattered. The only ones who were doing their jobs properly so far were the technicians, and they couldn't handle most of the Tediz locks. Doors had to be blasted open, creating a conspicuous scene and alerting all nearby gaurds to their presence.  
  
"Okay, we've made it to the cooling ducts. Now, according to the map," he read as he looked at a neatly-formatted printer paper, "if we climb them, we should end up in the main central tower, where we will only have a few more areas to breach before meeting up with our little enemy, this "Jenkins". Then we kill him, screw up the place somehow, and save the land."  
  
"Seems a little far-fetched," said Harry, a tall chipmunk technician.  
  
"Yeah, well, it ain't getting any easier. Let's blow this thing open and climb in."  
  
A red squirrel demolition expert placed a charge onto the pipe, which was about 3 feet in diameter, than everyone hastily hid behind the barrier of armored file cabinets. The charge exploded, pushing everything in the room gently to the other side and blasting open the pipe. Rodent's fur stood on end as the cool bliss wafted out through the sweaty room. They climbed in, one by one, relieved that there was a ladder inside.  
  
"Uh, sir, I'm a little claustrophobic," said Harry.  
  
"Well, that's what I said when the squirrel army stuffed me into this Goddamned suit. And now I've quite grown to like it. So stop your whining and accept."  
  
Just as Rodent finished his snap, a low rumbling sounded from below them. It seemed to shake the entire fortress, and paint and dust pattered down from the ceiling outside of the duct.  
  
"What was that?" asked a tech.  
  
"How the Hell do you think I know? It sounds like it's coming from below," said Rodent.  
  
"Why don't we just keep climbing?" offered Harry.  
  
"Good idea. Come on, move!" said Rodent as he struggled up the ladder with utmost difficulty.  
  
Jenkins, Jenkins's deck, 8:30 AM  
  
"So, ve have three problems. Quite a situation. One platoon of little bastards in ze cooling duct, a couple more control stations taken, and a platoon very deep into ze waste dump," said the depressed weasel professor.  
  
"We've destroyed the attacking battleships. The rest of the fleet is returning home, and we've decided to let, them, it won't make any difference anyway," said an officer.  
  
"No, it won't. But I vill sort out things one bird at a time. For ze cooling duct threat. Turn off the vent system in that particular pipe, and change it to "exhaust". They vill suffocate! Ze intruders at the control station will get no further, as the hallways beyond that are heavily spider-mined, and they span for about a half-mile. They will never get out in time.  
  
"Ingenious, sir. But what about the enemies in the waste dump?"  
  
"Ah, yes. It is rather perplexing that they chose that rather disgusting route. But do not worry, ve will not have to dirty our hands in there. For I have a little surprise waiting for him…"  
  
"What is that, sir?"  
  
"Vell, I'll give you a hint: it's not tactical, it won't involve guns or explosives… well, on our part anyway. You see, a little while ago, when we were refurbishing this base, ve got a little visitor from ze sewage canal connecting the base to Willow Woods. And an entire group of engineers went in to install ze garbage grinder... that never came back. But when we investigated ze problem, we found zat the "problem" was breaking down our garbage for us, and that we didn't need a grinder."  
  
"But what is it?"  
  
"See for yourself in this camera," he said as he clicked up a monitor of the waste dump. "See for yourself."  
  
Conker, Tediz base waste dump, 8:30 AM  
  
Conker was deeply tired, and the stench that filled the air was getting worse. By now the ground was solid poo and Rick had almost blacked out, but quickly snapped back at the prospect of resting on the vile ground. The cavern had eventually widened, and now, it was a massive, hollowed-out stadium of poo. In the center was a massive, foul lake of liquid poo that stirred and frothed gently.  
  
"This is truly a living Hell. Trudging for hours in shit, not knowing where we are going…" complained Henry, turning up his pointed weasel snout.  
  
"Woah, Ho-ho, get a load of that smell. I mean, coming from that huge lake. Christ, it's disgusting!" said Rick.  
  
"Hello, obvious! It's been disgusting," said Chamond.  
  
"But that's got to be the foulest smell… I've ever… ack…" he choked.  
  
"Kinda makes me hungry," said Conker.  
  
"You're disgusting!" snapped Rick.  
  
A gentle rumble shook the room, and a few drips of liquid oozed from the ceiling.  
  
"By Lord, you really are hungry. You deeply disgust me."  
  
"It's not me," protested Conker. "It's an earthquake or something."  
  
"Dude, look at the water!" He pointed to the lake, which was now boiling and frothing with rage. Waves crashed into the inside of the bowl, and the cavern shook again, much louder this time. Blobs off poo came off the ceiling and splattered into the floor with sickening squelches.  
  
"What the Hell is happening?" asked Rick, panicking. But Conker was too transfixed on the occurrence to reply. Waves of a new, horrible nostalgia coursed through his trembling body.  
  
"Conker? Are you okay?"  
  
Then, as if a scene from a ridiculous horror film, music began to play. Loud, thunderous strains of violin and trumpet pierced the air and made the squad's skin crawl.  
  
"What's going on? Where the Hell is that music coming from?" yelled Henry.  
  
"Look! In the lake! Holy shit!" shouted Chamond.  
  
The squad peered over the edge to see the water rise, as if bubbling up, then slide off of a gigantic, oddly-shaped mound of poo that slowly lifted its way out of the depths. As it rose to its full, towering height, it was visible deformed-it had a massive, gaping jaw line and a huge mouth full of foul, rotten teeth. Two small, leering eyes sat atop the mound, and stubby arms came out from the sides of the body. One held a small, squealing piece of corn. The other pointed to the sky in glamorous gesture. It glared down on the shivering squad, and placed its hands together and began to hum a soft melody, clearing its throat.  
  
"Um, what, um, what," Henry repeated to himself.  
  
"The war has really gotten to me," said Chamond.  
  
The mound straightened up, inhaled and opened its mouth in a low, earth-shaking bellow.  
  
"I AM THE GREAT MIGHTY POO! AND I'M GETTING MY REVENGE ON YOU! YOU TRIED TO FLUSH ME OUT, OF YOUR LIFE WITHOUT A DOUBT! NOW YOU'RE GOING TO CRY BEFORE YOU DIE!"  
  
"This is not funny, this is just… AAHH!" Shouted Henry as the monster pulled a great ball of feces off itself and threw it at him, hitting him head-on. It covered him in poo, and Henry tried to shake it off, gasping for air.  
  
"What the HELL!"  
  
Chamond pulled out his bazooka and fired into its side. A large splash of poo was blown off, and a steaming hole was left, bubbling up a bit. But the beast seemed unfazed, and the hole was quickly filled in to no effect. It threw two more blobs of poo, narrowly missing Conker and covering Rick's feet. It then opened its mouth and sang a frighteningly loud chorus. Conker suddenly remembered what to do. He walked up to the gaping mouth, facing the blast of stench that spewed forth from within. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a small roll of toilet paper. He reeled back, tossed it in, and jumped out of the way.  
  
The Great Mighty Poo coughed, gagged, then vomited up a shower of his own putrid guts. He slid back to the center of the lake.  
  
"DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL SURVIVE IN HERE? I WON'T LET YOU TRIFLE ME AGAIN! ABOVE MY OWN STENCH, I CAN CLEARLY SMELL YOUR VERY FEAR! I'VE NEVER EVEN LOST MY LOVELY GRIN!" he bared his teeth in a hideous grin, a single gold tooth shining distinctively.  
  
"What did you do?" asked a sputtering Henry.  
  
"I just threw toilet paper in his mouth!" replied Conker.  
  
The Great Mighty Poo continued his poo-throwing routine, his throws a bit off but far more rapid. Conker's squad had learned how to dodge how, by running one way and quickly changing direction as soon as the blob of poo left his hand. He began his powerful chorus again, but this time, he kept his distance about 50 feet from their position.  
  
"What? This isn't fair!" scoffed Conker.  
  
The Great Mighty Poo just chuckled, and resumes the feces flinging.  
  
"Wait!" said Henry. "I have an idea! Give me your backpack!" he pulled out three rolls of toilet paper, then took a bazooka rocket and tied all three rolls to the front. He plunked it into the bazooka, then took aim and waited. As the Great Mighty Poo sang another thundering chorus, he fired, and the shell flew directly into it's gaping maw and exploded. It gagged again, and vomited up another huge shower of poo.  
  
"NOW I AM GETTING RATHER PEEVED BY YOU! YOU'RE JUST A SILLY LITTLE MAGGOT IN MY HIND SIDE! WHEN I HAVE KILLED YOU OFF WITH ALL MY POO, MY ANGER WILL BE DULY GRATIFIED!"  
  
"Ah, gratify this!" shouted Henry as he fired a second shot, going straight into his mouth again. He retched violently, vomited a third time, then opened his mouth to its widest. He wailed the loudest note he had that day, and held it, letting it get higher, and higher, and higher, and higher, and higher…  
  
Conker heard a shatter to his left. He looked over and saw, about 50 yards down, a pile of broken glass on the ground underneath what looked like a box in the wall. He ran over to it, ordering Henry to follow. By now the Great Mighty Poo was raging mad, and blobs of poo came in great heaps and showers with almost no particular aim. Rick had been sprayed several times, and Chamond was in trauma from having gotten some in his mouth.  
  
"What's this?" asked Conker, examining the box closely. He opened it up, and saw several neatly rowed white cartons. Each one was labeled "T-67 super high-powered toilet cleaner".  
  
"That looks like it might do the job."  
  
"Hey, if toilet paper can, why not this?" asked Henry. He grabbed a carton, tied it to the front of another missile, aimed for the mouth and fired. The missile streaked away, but the weight of the hefty carton caused it to slowly sag and finally drop, hitting the Great Mighty Poo's lower section. A thick white foam covered his lower half, melting and burning it away. His face sagged, and then fell foreward. Henry quickly loaded another missile with a carton, and he and Conker walked over to the edge of the lake. But the poo was filling in again, and it gradually pushed his face back into place.  
  
"YOU'LL NEVER GET THE BEST OF ME!" he screamed as he shook up a massive wave of the liquid poo, then sent it out of the lake and straight at the two of them. It washed over them, getting in their eyes and filling their mouths, causing them both to vomit on the spot.  
  
"THIS IS THE WORST WAY TO DIE!" yelled Henry as he rubbed his burning eyes.  
  
"Not if I can help it!" said Conker, picking up the bazooka. He shoved the missile in, pointed it at the Great Mighty Poo's mouth, then aimed high on purpose. The Great Mighty Poo laughed, and Conker fired. The rocket arced, then flew just under the its upper jaw. The explosion was muffled, though he could see the instantaneous effect. Its head caved in, its bloodshot eyes rolled off the sides, and the entire body slowly sank inward. Foam was oozing out of its mouth, and pores of foamy liquid were now opening up around its body and dribbling thin streams, which gently cut into the poo.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!" It moaned, but it was soon an inaudible gurgle as the lower jaw fused into the body, then fell inward. The entire mass trembled, bubbled over and folded in on itself, thick white foam leaking out from massive, gaping holes. Then, with a final, sickening "squish", the crumpled, ruined structure of its body simply melted into the poo.  
  
Conker's squad exchanged glances, Rick gave a final vomit and they trudged on to the exit on the far side of the room. 


	5. Part 17: Meet up or die to part 19: Life...

Chapter 17: Meet up or Die  
  
Rodent, Tedi base cooling duct # 4, 10:00 AM  
  
Rodent was sweating buckets inside his titanium laminate armor. They were cruising on fine for a while, and it seemed like a marvelous privilege to ascend a cool, clean tube that assuredly lead to somewhere productive. But no, the little squirrel could never get that kind of break, as the cooling duct had now been shut off. What was once cool and crisp was now sweltering and stifling, and it made Rodent nauseous. His tired arms still managed to heave him and his weighty suit up rung after rung, and it still beat being fired at in a Tediz shooting range. In a hot, closed place, hearing loud "clank" all around you, knowing that if one bullet were to penetrate. Then, a similar but much louder "clank" echoed through the pipe. "What was that?" said Harry. "Just keep climbing," said Rodent. Then, a series of clanking and thudding reverberated all around them. A mechanical hum now sounded followed by a hiss. A blast of wind shot down the pipe, and it made Rodent's cheeks tingle and puff outwards. A wave of burning, foul-smelling air surrounded him. "Holy, fuck! What's going on?" asked Henry "Crap! It's burning my eyes!" cried one technician. "Dude, we need to get out of here NOW!" said another "How do we do that? This pipe's two inches thick! Solid steel!" The pipe was now hot enough to burn the skin, and the air smelled thickly of smoky emissions. It burned the nose and eyes, and soon, all were feeling slightly dizzy. A soldier now blacked out of heat stroke, and fell, resting in the arms of the unlucky person under him. "Rodent! Derrick's out! What do we do?" "Just hang tight, okay? I'm getting' us outta here!" said Rodent as he pulled an expsosive charge off his belt. He placed it on the ridge on the inside of the pipe. "Okay, everyone climb down!" The platoon hastily scrambled down a few steps, and Rodent struck a match and placed it on top of the charge. He ducked quickly into his suit The charge exploded, and the blast was squeezed up and down the tube. Hot, burning bits of metal and steam rained down on Rodent, sprayed downward by the flow of hot air. Seconds later, cool air flowed in, sucking downward and replacing the hot air. There was a gaping hole in the side. Rodent climbed out, burning his hands on the side, and the platoon soon poured out into a flashy-looking room, gasping in cool, fresh air.  
  
Rico, Tediz base control depot, 10:00 AM  
  
"Hey, why are all the lights dimming?" asked a soldier in Rico's platoon. The entire room flickered in and out, and several clanking sounds were heard. A nearby pipe shook, and the room became slightly warmer. "You think they're gassing us?" "How would they? The pipe doesn't end in this room. They must have just turned on the heating or something," said Rico. The pipe rustled slightly, as if someone were shaking it. All of a sudden, it exploded outwards, chunks of burning metal flying outward and spraying the crew all over. Steam and thick smoke poured out, but then slowly faded away into the air. "What the hell's with that? This pipe just blew!" "There are voices inside! Is someone in there?" asked a soldier. Two hands were visible on the inside rim of the pipe, and Rodent flipped out, clad in his dingy armor suit. "Holy crap! How did you do that?" exclaimed Rico. "Hey, Rico! It's great to see you!" said Rodent as his troops poured from the hole. "You. you climbed a pipe?" "Yeah! It got us really far until they gassed us out." "Well, we were about to move on, when this happened. oh well, the more, the merrier. Let's move it! So, eh, what have you got left?" "We haven't lost many. I have tech teams and demolition squads with us." "Er, that sounds useful," said Rico as they stepped out of the small building and into the town area. They traveled across until they hit the hot, stifling tunnels again. Rico stepped in cautiously, and the loud, familiar sound of the spider-mine whined again. Large clusters were scrambling towards them. "Quick! Get behind me!" said Rodent. He waddled out in front of Rico, ducked into his suit and waited. The first wave hit, emitting a tremendous series of blasts that nearly blew the tunnel open from the sides. The blasts caused a chain reaction that caught on in a chain fashion, destroying all the spiders behind them. The air was hot and oily, and Rodent popped his head back out. "Sweet mother of God! I reckon that suit really does its job," said Rico. "Yeah! This is how I saved Conker a few times on my first way through. I just wish it weren't so expensive." "Well, we lack the minerals required to produce them. But if we could get this out to every soldier, we'd be invincible!" "I think it's a mix of titanium, kevlar and other bits and pieces." "Well, let's move, and uh. you go first." The Sergeant smiled. "Can do!" replied Rodent as he stepped out in front of the ever- growing platoon.  
  
Berri, castle main hall, 11:00 AM  
  
"So, you live here?" asked Jason as he passed Berri up in the hall. "Get out," she scoffed. "Well now, wait a minute, I'm not done. So, what, are you queen or something?" "Go away! We had some fun, and now you're like annoying me." "Why? You brought me here!" "No, I think it's more. you followed me." She swept her hair back. "Well, wanna eat breakfast or something?" he offered sheepishly. "Sigh. fine, but ONLY because I have nothing better to do. Where at?" "Alright. How about we just eat here, you know, like in the dining hall?" "Well, like sure, I guess. I mean, he totally couldn't have gotten this castle for nothing." "Who's 'he'?" "Oh, just my old friend, Conker." "Conker? You mean Conker the King?" "Yep. A lot can happen when you're dead for three months." "What does that mean?" The two of them stepped downstairs to the kitchen, where the cook was busily frying eggs for the French guests. "Excuse me Marvin, like, could you make us something to eat? Like breakfast?" Berri asked impatiently. The cook flipped the eggs with a spatula, and turned to face them. He was a large brown mouse, with buck teeth and a pencil neck. The most distinguishing feature, however, was the stitches that lines his belly and chest. He had once eaten too much cheese, and a horrible gas reflux had literally blown him apart, all over Conker. "Well, I'm kinda busy. But I'd be glad to whip you up an omelet or somethin'." "An omelet? No way! There's too much fat." "How about some French toast?" offered Jason. "Oh, that would be okay. I just like, can't stand eggs." "No problem!" chimed Marvin. The kind vermin slapped some creamy batter onto the griddle, while Berri and Jason headed up to the dining hall, which was normally reserved for Conker and the higher authority. They sat down on the long, blue-and-green marbled table. "So, um, how did you get to be queen?" asked Jason. "I'm not queen. I like, used to be the king's fiancée, but then I died and he met someone else." "Oh. So, how did you get resurrected?" "A reaper kinda cheated me out of Hell, but it took four months. and now, he's found someone else. this like, little goody-goody gray from Frunce. "Hmm, that sucks." "Tell me about it." Marvin popped in and set out a large, glittering blue plate of steaming French toast. He handed them fine china plates and forks, and scampered back off to the kitchen. Just as he left, Fluoresce walked in. "Hello, Berri. Who's this?" she asked. "Ugh, um, this is Jason," she replied. "How do you do?" "Um, what? Oh, fine. are you the goody-" "Ahem! Jason, this is like, Fluoresce." The two of them shook hands. "Well, I can see I'm not really needed here. I think I'll wait to eat this morning. I'm not that hungry anyway."  
  
Conker, Tedi base central tower 4f, 12:00  
  
Since the encounter with the Great Mighty Poo, the already-stiff defenses in the Tedi base interior intensified. Several Tediz and weasels were now called to their position, attacking in entire squads and groups. In addition, Tediz were now retreating to other rooms, taking defensive positions and making it much more difficult to proceed. They no longer rushed Conker's positions, so few quick kills could be mustered. "Gimme another grenade!" Yelled Henry to Rick as they cowered behind a box. Rick grabbed a grenade from his belt, tossed to Henry, and Henry pulled the pin and threw it. It landed behind the box, and a hiss could be heard as a Tedi caught it in his fuzzy mitten paw. He threw it back, but it narrowly missed going over the box, and thus exploded harmlessly on the floor. The blast kicked up the box and threw it off to the side. Tediz peeked out and fired, and Conker's squad jumped behind the door for cover in the nick of time. "We've got to flush them out," Rick said. "The only way to do that is to make a diversion." "How? They're too smart, protested Henry. "Why don't you just give me another grenade?" "I'm all out! In fact, I'm out of ammo too! We need to re-supply! Chamond, our bag?" "Not much left," he said gloomily. "Only a couple flash bangs and a single bazooka missile." "Well then give it to me!" said Conker. He took the bazooka, loaded it up and aimed it at the Tediz box protection. He fired, and it destroyed one. The Tedi behind it didn't flee, he only advanced, three of his comrades following behind him. "They're advancing! What do we do? Anyone have ammo left?" asked Henry. Four heads were shaken. "Crap! We're dead!" "No, we can head back to the last room," said Conker. "Yeah? And what do we do when they follow us there?" Footsteps were now coming closer. The Tediz laughed, thinking the opponents would make an easy kill. Two of them jumped on top of the box, then aimed their guns downward to attack. Conker quickly kicked the box off, and the Tediz fell with it, dropping their guns. Conker looked out, and saw that they were the only ones advancing. He commanded the others to leap out and attack. They grabbed the Tediz and punched and kicked as hard as they could, but no moves seemed to affect Tediz-their bodies simply absorbed the blows. Fortunately, the Tediz couldn't fight back well either, and the softness of their plush arms did no good against the hardened squad. "Quick! Grab their weapons!" yelled Conker. He and Henry seized up the grounded guns, and aimed them at the two Tediz, who were still occupied with Chamond and Rick. But all of a sudden, four more Tediz leaped out and aimed their guns at Conker and Henry. "What? Oh, no," said Conker. They laughed again, when a grenade was thrown behind their cover. They looked back, surprised, and that was all the two of them needed-they drilled two of the Tediz from behind. The other two turned and fired. Conker and Henry were each hit full auto in the stomach. Conker winced as the familiar pain of bullets tore through him. His vision grew dark, and he looked back at the doorway just to see who had thrown the grenade-another special forces squadron, just a little bit too late. He fell weakly on the ground, his head fell limp, and red washed over his eyes.  
  
Chapter 18: Unexpected Reinforcements  
  
  
  
Jenkins, Jenkins's deck, 12:00  
  
"Ah, so they have reached ze central tower. It is only a matter of time before they find the main control station, hack into the computer terminal, find out how to activate ze private elevator and eradicate me from my throne," said Jenkins hanging his head. "We still have plenty of chance to stop them," said a weasel captain. "Yes, but we'd had plenty of chances since the very beginning of this damned escapade. And now I've learned just how much our 'chances' mean- zilch. We're badly outnumbered, and they have concentrated their main two powers in poorly defended areas. They vill make a quick breakthrough." "Well then what do you propose we do?" asked Weaselo. "Well, I have a rather handy plan B. It is very crucial to our survival, and alas, it vill not save ze base, but. it is all we can do." "What? And don't tell me it's to self-destruct." "It does involve that, but not until we are out. You see, a short few years before he died, my father discovered the secret to space travel. Well, not travel per se, but. we can float up there, out of their reach and try to land somewhere else. Somewhere far away, out of reach, where our message just may once again settle on fertile ground." "So, you're gonna launch us into space. again? I really don't see that working out very well. I was with your father right before he died sir. I heard him scream as he got sucked out." "You don't think I can pull it off?" "Well, it had better be pretty sound to get me to come along." "Oh, trust me, it is something I've worked on plenty. almost as much as that sniveling Ostwind cannon." He glared at a weasel captain. "Start up ze system. I am not to be caught dead in the hands of a squirrel. Ready the launch sequence post-haste. Oh, and captain?" "Yes sir?" he replied. "Concentrate all remaining defenses you can to ze main control station and ze area around it. If possible and we should all hope it will be. I want nothing to get through. This is our last chance."  
  
Rico and Rodent, Tedi base control tower, 1:00  
  
The now-massive squirrel platoon led by Rico and Rodent had been little short of deafened by the hundreds of spider-mines they had encountered. Rodent's suit had long been smashed open, and they had to resort to shooting the spiders with bazookas to destroy them before they could get close. They had finally came upon the central tower, where they were soon to meet their apparent nemesis. "Wow, that didn't go so good," said Rodent as he walked along with Rico at the head of the column. "I really missed that suit." "May it rest in peace with the rest of our soldiers," said Sarge. They entered a large, richly computerized laboratory filled with technicians going about their own businesses in maintaining the base. Rico and Rodent stormed in, about two hundred soldiers pouring in after. The workers gasped and raised their hands in defense, but the troupe thundered on, room from room. "We're only a little ways away from the main elevator, according to this map," said Rodent as he brandished the finely patterned mass of lines he'd printed out. They started to tromp through another room, but as soon as the door opened, about thirty Tediz opened fire. "Holy shit! Fire!" bellowed Rico, his voice now hoarse from doing such. Limbs flew and blood splattered. Soon, soldiers were taking shelter behind consoles, shielding themselves with monitors and generally tearing up the place with gunfire. Grenades were thrown, rockets flew and mortars fired about, and eventually, the entire back wall of the room caved in. The Tediz were diminishing, but the click of Werfers spider legs and another wave of Tediz among them added to the pitched battle in the tower's roomy interiors. Electric wires and vents surged electricity and sprayed steam. They had fought their way out into a room with a balcony, and now Tediz were pouring down the stairs and jumping over the railing to join the melee. Tediz blasted down over the side of the balcony with grenades and mortars, but one of Rodent's squads was now firing at the support beams and the wall attached to it. The balcony fell, resulting in slaughter in the now-present Tediz targets, but they were quick to hoist the balcony up in place to make for a large, sturdy wall of cover. Meanwhile, most of the squirrels had backed into the doorway for their own cover, leaving the clash to die down and become somewhat of a stalemate.  
  
Jason, 1:00, castle tennis court  
  
Jason shot back and forth across the tennis court, serving like a bullet and returning ever better. He had played tennis for all his life, it was actually his main hobby. And now this rich girl had a huge tennis court in an already interesting castle. "I'm tired," said Berri as she sat down and set her tennis racket beside her. "All right, we'll continue later. Maybe doubles, you and thin versus me and fat." "Excuse me," said the fat weasel, "but I don't appreciate being called." "Got it. So, how's the war going?" "Well, the reporter got sent home after the invading fleet got sunk. but that was last night." "Why don't we, like, take a break?" offered Berri. "Fine. Whiskey, perhaps?" "Shouldn't we save it for when Conker gets back?" "No, we'll save the champagne for when Conker gets back," he replied, smiling. "Good idea," she said as he popped he cork. They sat down at a polished glass table, with deep green velvet chairs. "Just curious. how long have you known Conker for?" "Um, like about 12 years. since my childhood, actually. I used to get made fun of because I was short and stubby. I'll bet that like, no one would even recognize me now. Anyway, he like saved me from this freaky little acorn man, and when I got made fun of, he'd pull a rude practical joke on whoever made the joke. It started out with putting something in the person's drink, or tripping them around the corner." "Uh-huh. What would he do now?" "Well, he doesn't need to defend me for one, I'm not like, short or stubby." She stretched a long leg out for emphasis. "But now, rather than being made fun of for being short and stubby, I get called dumb for no reason. And his retaliation to that is sending death threats and painting swastikas on people's doors." "Wow, he's. bitter." From several stories up, Fluoresce looked down on them in her room. She walked back to her bed and sat down, reading her novel, One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. It had to do with a Native American mental patient who was faking a deaf-and-dumb act for years, and after meeting another man who was doing the same, finally decided to do the same. It kept her mind off Conker's inevitable death for a while.  
  
Conker, Hell, 2:00  
  
Conker woke up to a very familiar smell. One he'd smelled many times before in his very bad day, every time he died. It was the thick, unpleasant smell of garlic powder sprinkled all over Gregg's floor. He stood up to be greeted by the short reaper, who was looking over a scroll and holding his scythe. "Ah, you're awake. Good. That pissing bear really got you good, didn't he?" he said. "Oh, hey Gregg. Um, can we hurry up with the resurrection? I have to get back to fighting." "Not so fast, you don't. You've run out of tails." "You mean. oh, come on." "Sorry. By all ephemeral law, I cannot let you out until somebody bails you." "Bails me? But how do they do that?" "Well, it's quite simple. You get someone down here to sacrifice one of theirs. But it has to be a squirrel, and they have to be ready and willing. You can't steal." "Oh, well alright. Say, do you by any chance have Berri down here? I really miss her." "Nope, sorry. I sent her back up just yesterday. Thought it would be a nice surprise for you when you came back. That and she was getting very bitchy about her living conditions. I couldn't take much more of it." "Why would you do that? I thought she was to dumb to come back!" "I pulled a few strings. I'd love to do that for you, but I've recently been caught for my actions concerning Berri. I've got a 15$ pay cut. If I do it again, I'll surely be fired and sent into the 4th layer to work in the slums." Conker sat down and thought for a moment. What could he do to leave this place? No one was coming after him. He had no friends down here other than Gregg. Except. "Wait a minute, did someone named Brendan get sent down here last night?" "Hmm, Brendan? Yes, sounds very familiar. big guy? Big shoulders?" "Yep. A gray squirrel." "Yep. I'll, eh, come with me." He went out into the hall outside his office, and walked down the corridor until he came to Brendan's room, which read Judgement #67160/war/bullet/aj47/tedizwerfer on a small plaque. He opened it, and there was Brendan, doing pull-ups. "Um, Brendan Klein, get of that sodding bar for a moment. I've got someone to see you," said Gregg. "What? Um, okay," he said. "hey, Conker! What happened? Did you get splattered?" "Yep. And just as we'd met up with another special squad. What bad luck. Anyway, I was wondering if you had some extra tails you might have been saving." "Why would I? You don't see me coming back, do you?" "Well, I figured you might have decided not to go back to the war. It's pretty awful." "No, man! You know the rule! If you die in a war, you can't go back to the battle-you just get sent back home. And yes, you wanna know the truth, I do have one left. And I'm not giving it to you, I need it to come back myself. My wife probably misses me." "Come one! I'm the platoon leader and. the king! It's really the least you could do. I'll bail you out shortly after the war!" "Sorry, my decision is made. I can't." "Oh, come on, you'll only be down here a few more days." "Excuse me," interrupted Gregg, "but I think I may have something that would be a bit of help." "And what's that?" asked Conker. "Well, if I make a written proposal to a higher level to get you out, assuming it's for a dire situation, and apparently it is, I just may be able to resurrect you two and send you directly back to the war." "That would be great. How long would it take?" "Come with me," said Gregg. Gregg lead them down another winding hall, then eventually to a elevator, which crept silently down until it was noticeably hotter. They stepped out, and everything had changed-the walls, no longer decorated with bones and plaques, was actually more of an industrial metallic gray. The floor was no longer smooth carved oak, but rather iron grating that creaked under their feet. The grates blew cool steam, but heat still lingered in the air. They finally came upon a large, sturdy-looking metal door. Gregg pressed a buzzer, and a raspy voice said 'come in'. Conker recognizes it vaguely, but it still evaded him. Gregg opened the door, and they stepped into a large, airy room, with vast stacks of papers all around. And behind a large, looming oak desk, stood a frighteningly familiar face. "Velcome to my office. Velcome indeed," said Count Batula. "Uh oh. Gregg, can we leave?" asked Conker. "No, no. Sit down. I vill not hurt you.yet." "What?" "Just kidding! No, I'm not still mad at you for vat you. vat I did to myself. You were only helping an old man get his food. That is all. Now I can return to my work down here. What is needed?" "Well, I was wondering if, for war purposes, we could get two people up to the surface directly back to the battle. short of a couple of tails, of course," said Gregg "Ah, zis war... I was just about to try and deal with it myself." "I though our conduct was restricted for mortal issues." "OUR conduct is. With many loopholes, I've found a solution to the problem." "And what would that be?" asked Conker. "Well, flooding the Tediz base with zombies of our restless souls, of course." "I appreciate the offer, but what good will zombies do against Tediz?" "Sigh. Look, your friends are badly outnumbered, right? And you're worried about getting cut down if you try to end the stalemate? Vell, if you send these weak decoys after ze Tediz. they will be both preoccupied and swamped. This vill waste their ammo and distract them, ending ze stalemate in your favor." "I. um, guess that would work. If we could find a way to disguise ourselves." "Not if you spray yourselves down with my latest little solution," said Batula as he handed a large can to Conker. "What is this?" "Doesn't matter, just spray it on everyone in your platoon and you won't be attacked." "What about me and Brendan?" "Vell, it will help ze war end and stop the maddening surplus of squirrel lives, so sure. But only you and him. We need to keep this away from politics, you know." "Politics?" "Nevermind. Go, now. Make us happy," he said as Gregg led Conker out of the room. "I hope that helps you, now I'll send you back," said Gregg. He summoned the massive skeletal hand and it grabbed Conker by the scruff of the neck and pulled him up to the surface.  
  
Chapter 19: Life is a Soap Opera  
  
Rico and Rodent, Tedi base central tower 4h, 3:00  
  
"Fire in the hole!" said Rick as he threw a petrol grenade at the Tediz position. Everyone ducked, and a brilliant blue explosion erupted behind the Tedi cover. "Let's go, let's go!" encouraged Henry as they leapt into the room and ran at the burning bodies. But several more Tediz poured in to meet them, along with two Werfers. The squads were forced to take cover once again, but the Werfers bazooka blasts knocked two weasels out into the open. Bullets washed over them. "They're too hard! Lord knows how many there are," said Henry. "Well, we've made good numbers," said Rick. "Well if you haven't noticed, we aren't exactly in the position to call for reinforcements!" "What the hell is that?" asked Chamond, pointing up. "What's what?" replied Henry. A large white, skeletal hand descended from the ceiling. It dropped Conker in the center of the group. "Hi guys," he said. "Conker! Oh, that the lord you had a freaking tail," said Rick. "Not really, but whatever. Spray this on yourselves," he said as he handed them the can. "Why?" "Just trust me, if you don't spray this on yourselves, you'll be eaten. Or you'll just waste all your ammunition. Just do it." They took the can and sprayed in all over. It smelled like the garlic powder that covered Gregg's office, but it also ranked of vanilla. It was a greenish, translucent liquid that clung like a spider's web. "This is pretty disgusting," said another red squirrel. "Just wait, and don't panic. Something weird is about to happen in a few seconds." "What are you talking about? Have you simply gone mad?" "They're summoning zombies into this world to get the Tediz to become distracted and waste their ammunition. Spraying this stuff on keeps them from attacking you, and don't kill them, okay?" "What a weird solution to the problem." "Think of it as flushing out insects with repellant," said Conker as a large, greenish glow flowed through the concrete floor. "Uh-oh, I think it's coming. Okay, everybody hang tight please. This will be weird." The ground stopped glowing, and soft thudding could be heard. It was gentle and quiet, and it seemed to be happening everywhere, like a bunch of worn-out jackhammers. Conker leaned over, when the ground turned to dirt. The dirt cracked and split, and ghastly hands were soon tearing their way out. The hands became torsos, and torsos became desiccated, vile squirrel bodies angrily shrieking and moaning. They ambled about, and one walked over to Conker. It stopped, sniffed the air and recoiled in disgust, backing away and ambling off to the other direction. "It's okay, just be still," said Conker as a snarling woman zombie walked over to Rick and inhaled, only to shudder and vomit. "They'll get the message soon enough." After a few seconds, Tediz were peeking over the cover in amazement, wondering just what was going on. The zombies were quickly chased off by the smell of the squirrel's spray, and were now shuffling over to the Tediz cover, drooling and snarling with every step. "Eet kun due," said a Tedi. The Tediz began firing at the zombies, splitting their skulls and tearing their bodies apart. At the same time, more zombies emerged from the ground, and continued almost willingly pursuing the Tediz. "Okay squadron, this is out chance! Shoot them, now!" The squirrels raised the guns to their eyes and fires, spraying the Tediz all over their faces and bodies. It was a surreally horrific sight. Tedi fluff and goo sprayed everywhere, while marked with equally plentiful zombie blood and decayed squirrel body parts. And yet the Tediz took no interest in firing back, but rather flaying the bodies of the all-too-plentiful squirrel zombies. Squirrels were starting to advance, pouring out of their hiding places and walking steadily along. They were halfway across the room when the Tediz decided to duck back behind the door, retreating. Two Werfers still stood defiant as ever, though. One was blasting away zombies with machine gun fire, and the other aimed its bazookas. "Look out!" shouted Conker. The squirrels scattered off to the sides, and the explosion engulfed 2 weasels and a squirrel, knocking about 4 others. A squirrel aimed a wheel-mounted 20mm support cannon and let loose, tearing large holes into the Werfer and causing it to slowly slump. Squirrels fired at the other Werfer with their rifles, doing little or no damage and drawing its attention. A large gray squirrel fired a bazooka shot into its stomach before it could make its move. "Brendan!" said Conker. "Did you get lost or something?" "No, no. I got held back, I was arguing with that damned reaper. But yeah, I'm here now and quite glad to see that this little plan worked so nicely," he said. "It really depends on how you define "nicely," said Henry, gesturing towards the blood-pooling, body part-strewn floor. "Well, it's great to have you back with us. And if you don't mind, I think it's about time we advance," said Rick.  
  
Rico and Rodent, Tedi base control tower, 4:00  
  
After being locked back for 3 hours, the problem of the stalemate had still stood, though once in a while, the squirrels would get the upper hand by knocking down the upright balcony with explosives and attacking the exposed Tediz while they struggled to prop in back up. "Rico! We've assembled the cannon! Now let's end this crap right now," squealed Rodent. "What, already? It only took 3 hours," he replied. "Oh, just shut up and help me mount it. Here, set up the bullet shield!" Rico hoisted the heavy metal plate into the front of the 150mm howitzer, bracing with his hands to keep it in place, and then wedged it on securely with the clippings. He pulled it out into the doorway, and a horrible spray of thudding assaulted his ears. Hundreds of bullets hit its front a second. "Hurry up, load it," yelled Rico to Rodent as he leaned against it to keep it from sliding back. Rodent picked up the heavy 96 pound shell, stuffed it into the breech and locked it tight. Rico pulled the lever, and a loud, clear bang sounded followed by the deafening blast, which pushed the entire gun off its mountings and into the back room. The doorway was empty once again. "Oh, no! We're exposed! Pull it back, pull it back!" said Rodent. "Err, Rodent, I don't think ya got much to worry about," he said. He was right. The entire back wall of the opposing room bad been knocked down, and tiny, burnt fragments of the balcony were scattered every which way. No bodies were in sight, and luckily, the thick black smoke was vented up into the ceiling fans. "Wow. Okay then, let's go!" "Hold on, little guy. According do this here map, we're. only twenty yards away from the elevator that leads to Jenkins deck. We've won!" "Alright! This is great! I can't believe I've helped to save the land. again!" he said as they walked on out of the room, down the hallway, and to the elevators." "Um, Rico, we need Jenkins handprint to get to his deck," said Rodent. "What? This is crap! How the hell will we get that?" "This is how," said Rodent. He picked up his rifle and shot 8 rounds into the slot. It fizzled out, then slowly caught fire. The elevator opened, and the bewildered troops stuffed themselves in. "How did you know that would work? And do you know how extremely dang lucky we are?" "Ah, blow it out. I've worked with those before. It's a low-class, technologically weak type of lock. Destroying the sensor deactivates it," replied Rodent. "Oh. Well, we're still lucky," said Rico as the elevator climbed the glamorous tower.  
  
Berri, castle guest bedroom, 4:00  
  
Berri slipped her slender body out of her tennis shorts, and into her pink workout uniform. She was exhausted, and wore the uniform only because it was loose fitting and comfortable. Hours of tennis and she had lost every match. She didn't know whether to feel ashamed or just respectful. She liked Jason a lot, and he had troubled her ever since she had seen him through sober eyes. If Conker made it back, and saved the land from the scientist freak, she would be famous, and have all the money in the world. Of course, she would also have lots of unwanted publicity and obnoxious rumors, as well as criticism to not exactly being royalty material. If she ran off with Jason, she would be letting Conker down, but then there would be the matter of the short, stubby little girl he had met. What was she to him? And who did she really like more, anyway? The questions raced through her mind, taking emotional toll on her. She grew tired, and decided to take a quick rest. "Hey, Berri. Tired?" asked Jason as he entered the room. "No, I'm just like, thinking about what I'll do when Conker gets back." "Well, if it helps, um, I guess you two could. get back together." His face turned sorrowful. "I'm sorry if I like, got us into anything. I just don't know. what's the deal with him and that Fluoresce anyway?" "How should I know? I've only known her for a few hours. Look, if you want, I could leave you alone awhile." "That's okay. I just have lots to think about. And I've never been too good at that." "What do you mean?" "I mean, I'm kinda dumb." "No, you're not. I mean, like, um," "What?" "I, uh. trust me, if you were dumb, I would be considered. good as dead." "I didn't expect a reassuring remark, but thanks anyway."  
  
Jenkins, Jenkins deck, 4:00  
  
"Vell, it is all over now. Are ve getting off the ground?" said Jenkins to the weasel captain. "Yes sir," he said. "3 minutes left. We have set our course so we will orbit the planet and hopefully land in the deep Ugga regions where no one will find us. Radar block is activated." "Good. Because zat is not where I want to land. My father had a plan 'B' that just might have worked." "What. then where, sir And what plan "B?" "Well, he had an orbiting space station where he did chemical experiments. It was called the Pestilence. It should be passing by in a day or so." "So should we just wait?" "I want you to keep us in place just above the atmosphere on this latitude until we spot the station on out long-range radar. Then we vill pursue it. It should not take too long." "Yes, sir. What about the self-destruct sequence?" "Activate it and set it for. 6 minutes, just 3 minutes after we're out of here. They will never escape. Comprehend?" "Yes sir," said the captain as he returned to the main control console. "Great. It is our last ditch effort to escape their clutches. Which have loosened progressively over the years. I wish my father were here to see it." 


	6. Part 21: Evacuation to part 21: Safe Lan...

Chapter 20: Evacuation  
  
Rico and Rodent, Jenkins deck, 4:02  
  
"Search everywhere!" shouted Rico to the troops, who overturned every table and chair in the office. A huge glass counter was sent over, smashing into s million glass pieces along with a glass of sour milk. Wire-frame stools and leather easy chairs flew around, landing anywhere lay a bit of floor space.  
  
"I want you to find that bastard so we can give him the slowest, most painful torture in the history of our country!"  
  
"T minus 1 minute until takeoff!" answered a cold, mechanical voice.  
  
"What the fuck was that?"  
  
"I don't know!" squealed Rodent. "It sounds familiar, though Conker said that the first Weaselov sent his bank vault into orbit. Then he fought this alien or something."  
  
"Well what do we do?"  
  
"Let's first find out where this room connects with the vault this time."  
  
"How do you know it's a vault? You're being a little sketchy here.  
  
"Rico! Rodent, sir!" cried a soldier, who had lifted up a canvas panel on the wall disguised as a curtain. Behind it was a steel door. "Take a look at this!"  
  
"How the hell are we gonna get through that door?" said Rico!  
  
"I think I can! Just hold on a minute." assured Rodent as he drew his lock breaker equipment.  
  
"T minus 30 seconds until takeoff. T minus 3 minutes, 30 seconds until self destruct."  
  
"Self destruct?" cried Rico. "What, does he mean the entire fortress? Again?"  
  
"Be quiet! I said give me a minute!"  
  
Rodent fiddled with the lock mechanism, jamming a small gun in and out. It contained a lock breaker. It struck the pins of any mechanical lock until they were arranged correctly then opened it with a spring torsion system. He was a just step away from configuring the machine. But then, a loud rumbling filled the room. Bright lights poured through the two windows, and the entire island seemed to shake violently.  
  
"Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six!"  
  
"Yes!" Rodent cried as the door slid open. He and Rico dashed inside, followed by a stream of soldiers.  
  
"Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Lift off initiated!"  
  
The doors automatically shut, and Rodent and Rico's feet hit solid metal. The room they were in looked of expensive furnish. It was adorned with royal silks on the walls, and unrecognizable portraits and symbols among these silks. And this well-made room lifted with a jolt that shook Rodent and Rico off of their feet. It began to shoot up at amazing velocity. Large windows on either side displayed the base, which began to shrink slowly as the room picked up speed. Afterburners blazed below, barely visible, and an impossibly loud roar drowned out all speech.  
  
"Hey, Rico!" yelled Rodent. "I think we're in some deep shit!"  
  
Rico muttered something that looked like 'what', obviously unable to hear him, but finally managed to regain his top-heavy balance. He, Rodent and the soldier's eyes all scanned the room for anything that looked like an escaping weasel or guards. On the other side of the room, past the two large windows, the back of a chair faced them. They advanced slowly, down into the central pit, then up out of the other side. The chair was no more than five meters away from them when four weasel guards dropped from the ceiling and began firing.  
  
"Fire! Kill them!" shouted Rico. Two squirrels fell, but the rest made short sort of the foolish attempt at assault. Rico stepped up to the chair and whirled it around with all his might. The red fabric of the seat of an empty chair awaited him.  
  
"Ha! You thought you could do away with me like that?" shouted a loud, high-pitched voice that seemed to come from everywhere in the room. The squirrels looked around. No one else was present, closing the obvious suspicion that the voice was projected.  
  
"Show yourself!" shouted Rodent. "You're are screwed as possible. Just show yourself and let's get it over with."  
  
"Yeah! You've violated all treaties, basically pissed all over everyone's lives. you'll never get off this thing alive!"  
  
"Ah, but I'm afraid it is you who vill never get off! Where I am, you vill not find me. When I have landed, I vill get off, but you vill not. When I am off, you vill be destroyed."  
  
"Really?" said Rodent, shouting just over the roar of the engines, which had calmed considerably. "Well, let's just see how clever you really are"  
  
"Ah, yes, I haf taken zat risk. I am assuming that none of you are smart or strong enough to unearth my position. I will give you but one clue."  
  
"We don't need no stinking clue, you pathetic bastard! We'll crack this thing open if we have to!"  
  
"Crack it, you may, but you will die. So, haf fun, seeing as in about an hour, you will cease to exist."  
  
---  
  
Conker, Jenkins deck, 4:03  
  
"T minus 3 minutes until self destruct."  
  
Conker knew no other urge than to run as fast as he could. At the pinpoint of victory, everything had been thrown into disarray. First, the top of the fortress, most definitely carrying Jenkins, E. Weaselov, had taken off into high orbit and left somewhere into space. Second, Rico, Rodent and the second battalion where nowhere to be seen. Third, they were three minutes from what could be a quick, familiar and sad death.  
  
"Here's a map!" shouted Henry, skidding to a stop. "Maybe we can find the escape pod!"  
  
"I doubt it!" replied Chamond as Henry fervently studied it. "Looks like the closest thing to an escape pod just left. I think we've no choice but to stay here and snuff it. How was it in Hell, Conker!"  
  
Conker just sat there, silently, trying not to contemplate that the end was near, and that with none of them having any tails, and Gregg having just done him a major favor, he would be in hell with them for a long time. It wasn't a pretty thought.  
  
"Here!" shouted Henry. He pointed to a small, square-shaped bay that read, "body armor testing ground". It was only two rooms away.  
  
"What the hell good is that going to do us?" asked Rick.  
  
"Well, Conker here told us that general Rodent once survived a blast like this in his armor. Maybe they have some like that in there."  
  
"T minus 2 minutes and 30 seconds until self destruct."  
  
"Okay!" said Conker. "Let's go!"  
  
Inside the testing ground, Conker and the marines took a moment to rest as they looked around for something useful. Several armor types were grouped in the middle of a large field. Vacant guns and howitzers littered the ground before it, obviously used to test the armor's durability.  
  
"Which armor do we use?" asked Rick.  
  
"I don't know!" shouted Conker. "Read the dossiers!"  
  
One type, which looked like a chain-mail type vest, said "slash- proof". Another blue-colored one with what looked like a thick padding, read "flame retardant." A third group, looking like a rich person's attire, had a plaque that had shattered and was mostly unreadable. It looked like it had once said "laser reflective."  
  
"T minus 2 minutes until self destruct!"  
  
"Hurry up!" shouted Rick again. "Which one, man?"  
  
"Shut up!" replied Conker. Three more groups, bullet-proof, climate- controlled and. bingo! Blast-resistant. Conker ran towards it, slipped it over his shoulders and let his fellow marines comply. The armor was very heavy, made of layers of what appeared to be steel, but padded thickly on the inside. It even came with a helmet that was large enough to fully cover their heads. Everything strapped on in a rather complicated fashion.  
  
"All right," said Conker. "Let's curl up, wait and pray."  
  
"Don't you get the feeling we could have avoided all this by running?" asked Rick.  
  
"If you can run two miles in three minutes, then be my guest!" said Henry. He ducked his head all the way inside.  
  
The dreaded voice counted down to 1 minute 30 seconds, then to 1 minute, then to 30 seconds. Fate was thick in the air as it reached its final 10.  
  
"Ten!"  
  
"Here goes!" said Conker.  
  
"Nine!"  
  
"Nice knowing you all!" said Chamond.  
  
"Eight!"  
  
"Hope this works!" said Rick.  
  
"Six!"  
  
"Six? What happened to seven?"  
  
"Just kidding!"  
  
"Damnit!"  
  
"Seven, six, five!"  
  
"I've got a cramp!" said Henry.  
  
"Four, three, two!"  
  
"Just hang tight, we'll live!" reassured Conker.  
  
"One, zero!"  
  
"I can't look!" said Chamond.  
  
"Have a nice day!"  
  
"Thank you!" they all said in succession.  
  
---  
  
Jason, castle tennis court, 4:05  
  
Jason was surprised, as Berri had become quite good rather quickly. She wasn't necessarily gaining on him, but she'd finally started to pick up on form and accuracy. But it was not like him to let her beat him, not in the face of competition.  
  
"Deuce!" he said as a green ball sailed past him. He went to retrieve it, and when he got back, Berri was at the window.  
  
"Jason, look!"  
  
"What?" asked Jason, who ran over to the window. "What's out there?"  
  
"Up! In the sky!" said Berri as she pointed out across the sea.  
  
Jason squinted hard, but eventually saw what she was pointing at. A small yellow light was visible high in the atmosphere, just barely, and it crept upward very slowly.  
  
"What do you think that is?" she asked. "Do you think it came from the fortress?"  
  
"I don't know, but if it's a missile or something."  
  
"I don't think so. It hasn't arced down, it's just going up. What the hell could it be?"  
  
"Beats me, but why don't we just get back to the game?"  
  
"I feel tired, we've been staying up so late. I mean, it's a usual habit of mine."  
  
"But not when you're playing tennis for three hours? I understand. I'll call the weasels to clean this up."  
  
"Why don't we do it? Fat's out at the bar, and thin is sleeping."  
  
"Good idea, but what's so fascinating about that damned window?"  
  
"I don't know, I just get the feeling something big is about to happen."  
  
Not to betray her words, the sea was calm as Jason peered out, letting her rest on his knee. He was getting tired too, both out of sleepiness and fatigue. He let her rest her head against his, but it jerked up. Jason didn't ask what was wrong, as he saw himself what had alarmed her. Another small yellow light appeared in the distance. It started out as a pinprick, but swelled gradually and became an orange blossom, and then that blossom widened out at the bottom as more yellow fire spewed from the top. The fire surged up and out, and the entire inferno became a glowing red sphere on the horizon. The sphere settled, disappeared, and a few small yellow flecks came out.  
  
"No!" said Berri. "The fortress must have, like, blown up!"  
  
"So that mean's. Conker's dead?"  
  
"I. I think so! You don't think he could have escaped, do you?"  
  
"I don't know. I really don't. But from the way you described him, I'm sure he can find a way to escape!"  
  
Berri gave him a mournful look, giving Jason the message that she certainly wasn't reassured.  
  
"Well, at least that evil fellow is dead, whatever his name was. We can finally live in peace."  
  
Fluoresce came in. She sat ran over to the two of them and looked out the window at the now peaceful sea.  
  
"Did you see that?" she asked. "That explosion?"  
  
"Yep," replied Jason. "I did. And I'm just as worried as you are."  
  
Chapter 21: Safe Landings  
  
Rico and Rodent, Jenkins ship, 4:30  
  
"Find anything?" called Rico to his squirrels. He sat, brooding in the chair and emptily spinning around.  
  
Nobody answered. Obviously, that was a no. No Jenkins, no purpose to be here. But he must have been here. Had that voice of his been a recording, it wouldn't have responded to their voices. Unless he and Rodent were really that predictable. But Jenkins didn't know him!  
  
"Hey," said Rodent, looking up. "Do you feel that?"  
  
"What?" replied Rico.  
  
"I feel light! Like some force is pulling me up!"  
  
"Well, yeah, we're in orbit. And you're supposed to be the smart one, right?"  
  
"No, you big dunce! I mean, like we're slowing down!"  
  
The ship's velocity began to diminish. The afterburners had completely stopped, leaving the pod eerily silent. The silence was strange to everyone on board, for their ears were used to the loud noise, which had dampened into almost nothing in the thirty minutes they had spent searching the would-be empty ship. The noise had become an even louder ringing, and everything became a bit cooler.  
  
"Must have run out of fuel or something?" said Rico. "Does that mean we're dead?"  
  
In answer to his question, the sound of engine began again, this time above them instead of below. It was much quieter than the main jets, but the flares were more visible, since there was a large window in the top of the room, and the jets surrounded it. A brilliant flickering filled the ship, and everyone, along with everything inside of it, was lifted into the air for a second, then dropped gently onto the carpet. The ship had gone from mach 2.5 to mach 1 in ten seconds. The rate of slow was decreasing, but the unfamiliar and unpleasant pull continued. When those afterburners finally stopped, the ship floated very slowly and quietly onward.  
  
"Hey, Rico! Check it out!" squealed Rodent. He pointed upward.  
  
"Whoa," said Rico. He saw, from the top window, a space station. It was a small, gray, box-shaped hulk, with four eerie little windows on either side of a large steel door. The door loomed closer, and, as the intricate patterns of caution-yellow insignias came into view, it began to open. It swallowed the ship quickly, and the ship, a few meters away from smashing into the ceiling (or wall/floor, depending on the perspective), fired a tiny burst from its top-mounted retro rockets. The ship slipped to one side, then landed, upright, into the space station.  
  
---  
  
Conker, 4:30, stratosphere  
  
"AHHH!"  
  
Wind rushed at Conker's face and whipped at his fur. His scream rushed past his ears, but ever then, he could barely hear it over the stream. This must have been how it felt for Rodent to survive such a blast. He looked down. Villages, trees and other things looked like tiny, scale-model toys. He couldn't look back, as the armor he wore wasn't even flexible enough. He was sure it was a spectacular explosion when it blew.  
  
The inertia had stopped carrying him up a while ago, and now he was shooting forward, beginning to arc down a little bit. He heard screams to all sides, screams that seemed to get a little farther away with each passing minute, so he knew he wouldn't land too far away from his fellow marines. It was too bad that the two battalions likely didn't survive, since they would never have found enough armor for all of them, and most of them mindlessly scattered at the sound of the countdown. It was another couple hundred deaths.  
  
"Hey, Henry! Chamond! RIIICK!" he yelled. "Do any of you hear me?"  
  
"AAAHHHHH!"  
  
"Um, is that a YEEES or NOOOOO?"  
  
"AAAHHHHH!"  
  
Suddenly, Conker seemed to have hit doldrums. The wind stopped, and his body began to arc almost directly downward. This was bad. The explosion must have been hundreds of times more powerful than the one Rodent had to survive, because it had carried them well into the stratosphere. It would mean that the landing would be straight down, and probably splatter all of them to pieces it they didn't land on something very soft and thick.  
  
---  
  
"This material is too soft and thick!" yelled King Lafayette to a subordinate worker bee.  
  
"That's what the rest of the hive is made out of!" replied the worker in protest.  
  
"Are you kidding? If someone fell on to this wall from the fucking stratosphere, they would survive!"  
  
"Well, what do you want me to do? Tear it down? It took us hours! Why don't we just reinforce it with some imported wasp paper?"  
  
"We've used enough of it. It's not very efficient to have to rely on so many foreign materials to expand the outer wall of a hive!"  
  
"I'm sick of you, and I'm sick of your blasted Order! I quit!"  
  
"Oh, cut the melodrama! Just take it down and rebuild it. It's no biggy."  
  
The chatting insects were too busy arguing to notice four small meteors that were shooting towards them. These four small, black shaped smashed down into the top of the wall, sending sections of it spraying outward, coating the King, the worker, and several other bees with moist honey and paper. The remains of the wall sank and collapsed.  
  
"Well," said Lafayette. "That was quick! I'm surprised you got that done so quickly and efficiently!"  
  
"What are those crawling out?" asked the worker.  
  
"I dunno! They have hard metal shells, and they're green. Possibly some sort of beetle invader?"  
  
"Well, should we have them killed?"  
  
"Um, let's investigate, first."  
  
Conker, Henry, Rick and Chamond thoroughly wiped themselves off, then disconnected their helmet's straps and revealed themselves. King Lafayette recognized the Marines attire and vaguely, Conker's face. He stood right- face.  
  
"Your majesty!" he said. "What, how, er, uh, you mind telling me what gives?"  
  
"At ease, King," said Conker. "We were just blown out of the fortress, it self-destructed."  
  
"And you survived? That's, er, really terrific! And that means the weasel is dead, right? No more war for a while?"  
  
"Nope, he escaped in his ship. He's probably in orbit right now, but where would he go?"  
  
"Er, why do you ask me?"  
  
"I'm being rhetorical. He has nowhere to go. He might land somewhere, but right now, everyone hates him! Even the Uggas. That ship is his exile, and unless he has a Reich on some other world, he'll never bother us again.  
  
"So, this is huzzah!" said Lafayette excitedly.  
  
"Yes, this is, but first, I think I'll get back to my castle. I have a few people who await me."  
  
"The war's over! Great! Um, perhaps we should hold some kind of ceremony in your honor? After all, you're a brave soul, and probably the only king who's ever fought on the front line!"  
  
"Thanks, really, but I gotta go."  
  
"No, I insist! You saved my personal hive from the wasps in the kingdom's darker hours, returned me to power, and even helped me get some when I was still just a bum!"  
  
"Okay, fine, but in a couple hours, I have to be gone, okay? Besides, I'm sure most of your workers are asleep at this time."  
  
"Bees don't sleep."  
  
"Oh. Well, your late wife sure did snore for some odd reason."  
  
---  
  
Rico and Rodent, Pestilence Space Station, 5:00  
  
Rico looked out at the weasel workers in the docking bay of the ship. They wore no masks or special clothing, which was evident that air had been restored. Rodent was fuming, there was no sign of Jenkins anywhere. He had ordered the troops to open up the floorboards, search every crevice in the wall and even check the working engine of the ship.  
  
"And now," said Jenkins voice, "I vill tell you where I was the entire time! I am in a soundproof room at the top of the ship, to the right of the glass window composing the ship's nose! And you cannot reach me! Too bad, zer is no way off for you! I have sealed all of the ship's doors!"  
  
"What? What are you going to do?" asked Rico.  
  
"Vell! It is good so know I can still hear you. Anyway, I will send this ship further into space, where your oxygen will gradually run out. You vill suffocate."  
  
With that, a ladder appeared in the right hand window. Down from it climbed Jenkins E. Weaselov, with one guard after him. He walked out and joined several weasels over a large control console. Rico and Rodent watched him make a few hand motions to them, probably telling them to send the ship back off into space.  
  
"Rodent," said Rico. "You have to get us outta here! Use your lock picking skills!"  
  
"The door's sealed, there's no way to open it from the inside without destroying it! I have a better plan, though! You have any grenades left?"  
  
Rico pulled out a green pineapple grenade. Rodent took it, toddled over to the window, pulled the pin and dropped it there.  
  
"Fire in the hole!" he shouted, jumping back to optimum distance. The remaining battalion ducked. The grenade exploded, sending the window into a torrent of glass that showered outward. Rodent waited for the smoke to clear, then ran and jumped out into the space station docking bay. Rico and the soldiers followed. They drew their rifles, and with no resistance at all, besieged it. Rico and Rodent then stepped up to the control console, then pointed their weapons at Jenkins head.  
  
"Take us back to Earth. Land this entire station right now," ordered Rodent.  
  
"But, I can't, you see!"  
  
"Why not, you sniveling bastard?"  
  
"Vell, we are not scheduled to return until hate for me down there has died down and I can start again. And zat maybe just a few years. Either way, you can do nothing about it. And if you try, you will die."  
  
"What do you mean? We own this station now! It is us who have you in control! Now take us back, or we'll shoot up everybody, and find out our own way!"  
  
"Oh, but you would never learn the controls in time!"  
  
"What do you mean? You say you were prepared to stay here a few years, right? That should be plenty of time! Now return, and accept an honorable death, or even an impersonation, or die the most horrible death you could think of."  
  
Jenkins just stared. 


End file.
